Friday, July 18, 2008

Divorce is final

Well, today was the day for court and the divorce was declared final. It is still amazing to me that a marriage can be ended so quickly. My court time was 9:00am and I was out of there by 9:15. The judge was 10 minutes late and the actual hearing took 5 minutes. I thought I'd be a wreck, but I did surprisingly well. I only teared up once. It probably helped that I was so hung over from the night before. I went to the boat races at Blarney's Island with some friends. It was fun, but I was paying the price this morning.

I'm so numb today. I don't know if it's the hang over or if I am in some way relieved that this part is over. I was dreading today. I sent Chris a test message afterwards telling him he's now a free man. He didn't respond. Didn't really think he would. He's a coward that got off so easy. I know a part of me still loves him, but I know in time that will go away. He's not the man I loved. That man is gone forever.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Two years ago today we got engaged

I knew today would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how hard. It doesn't help that he's in Ohio today celebrating Shayna's 21st birthday. My birthday is on Sunday and I'll be 34. Makes me feel really old. I was 13 years old when his girlfriend was born. Yuck!!! I've been trying not to focus on the significance of today, but then I keep getting flashbacks of floating on the river and then calling my parents after he proposed. I was so happy. I remember my finger was so swollen from it being so hot out that he could barely get the ring on my finger. I actually thought I was going to have to take it off on the way home, but then the swelling went down. I called everyone I knew on the drive home that day. When we got to Lake Geneva area there were fabulous fireworks that you could see from the road. It was so cool. Almost like our own little private celebration.

Now that's all gone. Destroyed by his sick addiction. I know that I am better off. I know I need to stop looking at their pictures on her website. I just can't stop. I keep telling myself, when the divorce is final I won't care anymore. I'm sure that won't be true, but maybe if I keep telling myself that for the next two weeks, I will believe it's true by then.

People experience adultery everyday. Millions of people make it through it. Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this? I think I am a pretty strong person, with a good head on my shoulders, but yet I feel stuck. I feel like someone buried me alive and I can't dig my way out. My mom called me when everything came out regarding Christie Brinkley's divorce. She said, see if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. This is not your fault. In my heart, I know that's true, but it still does not make it any easier.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Court Date Set - July 18th

I found out yesterday that my court date has been set for July 18th. I thought I would feel so much better knowing when this would all be over. Truth be told, I could not stop crying yesterday. He won't even be notified of the court date. He won't need to be present. It just seems so surreal that a marriage can end without both parties present. I know that it would not be easy if he were there, so I am thankful, but in the same respects I feel like he should have to be present for the end of what he destroyed. I know the day will be very painful for me.

I tried to go to a divorce recovery group last night, but when I got there there was no one there. So, I will try again to go next time they have it, but I will confirm before going there. I was actually looking forward to the group, being and talking with people who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

Since the group didn't happen and I was up in Kenosha, I stopped and saw Jean and Terry. Jean is still at a loss of words to explain why Chris did this. I did get the impression that Chris has said more to her than she has told me. She told me that he mentioned this girl got some type of insurance money when her mother died, which I already suspected. I wonder how long that will last her, considering it doesn't seem like she works much. I guess Chris found himself a sugar momma. Good for him. I also found out there is a family party on Saturday. Only a couple people from his family know what is going on, so it will be interesting to see what he tells them. I know he will lie and just say something like, things were bad and we are getting divorced. Jean says she will set the record straight, but who knows. I think that would be a very hard thing to admit to your family that your son is a pig.

I am leaving to go up north with my family on Friday. I think it will be fun, but I'm sure I will be doing a lot of crying. I can't really handle anyone trying to console me without crying. I know everyone means well, but I can't help how I feel. I almost feel like I am better alone, left to my own thoughts and emotions. At home I like to escape to a book. Usually they are trashy romance novels, but it takes my mind of other things.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away, then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?" The oak tree said, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."

My aunt sent me this card and I think it just about sums up how I feel today.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My letter of closure

I wrote the following letter to Chris. I don't know if I will send it.

Dear Chris,

I am writing this letter to give myself closure. I want you to know all the pain you have caused me. You took my heart and soul and smashed it into a million pieces. You never thought once about me and what your actions would do to me. I gave you my body, my soul and my love and you never appreciated what a sacred gift that is. You threw everything we had away for the satisfaction of yourself, for your own self-gratification. I know now that you could never love me the way that I deserve to be loved. You are a sick individual who will never have a loving, healthy relationship. You don’t know what love is. You call your lust to a 20-year-old child love, but it is not. Someday I hope you get the help that you so desperately need.

For a long time I questioned my actions following the discovery of your infidelity. Now I know that my actions were the right ones. I could never have a relationship to someone who could feel no remorse for his actions. You walked away and never looked back and then you tried to blame me. I know that I am not perfect, but I did not deserve the kind of lies and deceit you fed me. I am a kind, caring individual that would have walked to the ends of the earth to help the person that I loved so dearly. You obviously never realized that.

I know that in time my wounds will heal and I will find someone who appreciates the beautiful, strong, caring individual that I am. I will find someone that can have a mutually fulfilling relationship with me and will work with me to achieve my goals and our hopes for the future. I deserve so much more than you ever had to offer. You are so self absorbed that you were not capable of thinking of anyone but yourself. I’m just sorry that I never saw you for what you truly are and I’m sorry that you couldn’t be honest with me and spare me the things that I saw.

You said to me on the day we were moving you out that you didn’t regret marrying me and our honeymoon brought us so much closer. I do regret marrying you. I regret all the pain and sorrow that you have brought upon my family and myself. I regret the fact that the next person I meet is going to have to be compared to you. I regret that I fell in love with a person incapable of true love. Most of all I regret that I gave you my love.

You destroyed all of my dreams of having a child, your child and then to learn that you ran into the arms of a girl with a child was devastating for me. I thought we wanted the same things, I thought you wanted a child of your own, with me. How could you lead me on? How could you let me go through two surgeries and weeks of daily injections all the while planning to be with another person? What kind of sick individual can do that to another human being? Even if things were bad for two months, how could you not speak up and allow me to get my hopes up? How could you so ruthlessly crush everything that I had hoped and dreamed for? I hope you can live with what you have done.

Love is not about sex. Love is sharing yourself completely with another person and them accepting you for whom you are. Love cannot exist if you are not giving of yourself 100%. Lies do not exist within love. I shared my entire being with you. You knew every secret about myself that I had to share. I shared with you everything that I had to give. I never even knew you. You are not the person I fell in love with. You had a whole other life that you decided I was not worthy of sharing with. Would I have accepted your behavior, no, but I would have accepted you and I would have tried to help you get over your addiction. I would have stood by you through the long road to recovery. You never even gave me a chance.

I hope someday you find the strength to seek out help. I hope someday you can find what you are looking for and I hope someday you can find peace with yourself. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, but what makes us better is to find the strength to deal with our demons. I am on a long road to recovery, but I will make it and someday I will look back on the last three years and know that the experience has made me stronger and has made me a better person.


Monday, June 16, 2008

I'm better off

Ok, so yes, I am still obsessed with looking at their webpages, but I do realize that they are both sick. Their latest website, mobog, she posts pictures of herself scantily clad and all these men post comments. Do they get off on that kind of shit? I would never flaunt myself all over the Internet like that. Pictures like the ones she posted are meant to be seen only by the person you love. Why would you need other people to validate who you are? Isn't that what the person you are with is supposed to do? Or better yet, why aren't you secure enough in yourself that you don't need validation from someone else.

A friend of mine today told me I am better off without him. I agree. He is not healthy for my personal development or my emotional well being. I am a beautiful person who deserves to be appreciated for who I am. I have a lot of love to give and he does not deserve to receive it. Someone who can take my hopes and dreams and crush them without even a second thought is a sick individual. It's going to take a lot of time for me to heal and move on, but in the long run I will look back on this experience and know that I was the one who was lucky to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Someday he will get what he deserves. Maybe someday he will even realize what he lost, but by then I will be in a better place.

I spent last week visiting with my sister and my new nephew, Brayden. He is so darn cute. I know I'm biased and all, but he is the best baby ever. He's so smart. If you give him his duck he starts quacking. He will cluck his tongue to repeat you if you do it. He would stroke my face and give me kisses. Too cute!!!! I didn't want to leave. It was so nice to get a break from reality. I definately needed it.

Chris signed the paperwork while I was gone. Two to three weeks and I'll be divorced. I'm hoping that is what I need to help me move on.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I got very angry yesterday and let all my feelings and thoughts be known to Chris. I told him I was sick of being nice and that I was sick of pretending that I'm ok that what he did to me is ok. I'm not ok. There are days when I go to sleep and wish that I would never wake up. I'm going to start taking antidepressants this week. I asked him when he stopped loving me. He told me since we got back from the honeymoon and started working on the house and started IVF he felt like we were more roommates than a married couple. So, for two months he was unhappy and never spoke up until after he had already had an affair. I told him if he put as much effort into our marriage as he did in to all the cutesie comments and pictures he posts on her myspace page that we might not be where we are at today. He said he was happier now that our marriage is over. Well, I'm glad he's happy. I'm miserable.

I cannot cope with the thought that I could spend over three years with a person and not even know them. I can't understand how someone can tell you they love you so deeply and then they walk away without even a second thought. How can someone be that sick? How can someone lie to you repeatedly and never have remorse? I know that he is a sick individual and that I am better off without him, but that knowledge still does not make me feel any better.

I am leaving for Florida tonight. As much as I am looking forward to seeing Brayden and my sister I am equally dreading seeing and dealing with my parents. I know they mean well, but I am already at my emotional capacity. I cannot handle anymore stress and I know they are going to freak out when they see my new tattoo. I know they are going to lecture me about impulse decisions and my smoking again. You know what the tattoo was an impulse decision and although I regret the size of it, I don't regret getting it. It is beautiful and it makes me feel good when I see it or people comment on it. I do regret ever marrying Chris.