Divorce is final

Well, today was the day for court and the divorce was declared final. It is still amazing to me that a marriage can be ended so quickly. My court time was 9:00am and I was out of there by 9:15. The judge was 10 minutes late and the actual hearing took 5 minutes. I thought I'd be a wreck, but I did surprisingly well. I only teared up once. It probably helped that I was so hung over from the night before. I went to the boat races at Blarney's Island with some friends. It was fun, but I was paying the price this morning.

I'm so numb today. I don't know if it's the hang over or if I am in some way relieved that this part is over. I was dreading today. I sent Chris a test message afterwards telling him he's now a free man. He didn't respond. Didn't really think he would. He's a coward that got off so easy. I know a part of me still loves him, but I know in time that will go away. He's not the man I loved. That man is gone forever.

Two years ago today we got engaged

I knew today would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how hard. It doesn't help that he's in Ohio today celebrating Shayna's 21st birthday. My birthday is on Sunday and I'll be 34. Makes me feel really old. I was 13 years old when his girlfriend was born. Yuck!!! I've been trying not to focus on the significance of today, but then I keep getting flashbacks of floating on the river and then calling my parents after he proposed. I was so happy. I remember my finger was so swollen from it being so hot out that he could barely get the ring on my finger. I actually thought I was going to have to take it off on the way home, but then the swelling went down. I called everyone I knew on the drive home that day. When we got to Lake Geneva area there were fabulous fireworks that you could see from the road. It was so cool. Almost like our own little private celebration.

Now that's all gone. Destroyed by his sick addiction. I know that I am better off. I know I need to stop looking at their pictures on her website. I just can't stop. I keep telling myself, when the divorce is final I won't care anymore. I'm sure that won't be true, but maybe if I keep telling myself that for the next two weeks, I will believe it's true by then.

People experience adultery everyday. Millions of people make it through it. Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this? I think I am a pretty strong person, with a good head on my shoulders, but yet I feel stuck. I feel like someone buried me alive and I can't dig my way out. My mom called me when everything came out regarding Christie Brinkley's divorce. She said, see if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. This is not your fault. In my heart, I know that's true, but it still does not make it any easier.

Court Date Set - July 18th

I found out yesterday that my court date has been set for July 18th. I thought I would feel so much better knowing when this would all be over. Truth be told, I could not stop crying yesterday. He won't even be notified of the court date. He won't need to be present. It just seems so surreal that a marriage can end without both parties present. I know that it would not be easy if he were there, so I am thankful, but in the same respects I feel like he should have to be present for the end of what he destroyed. I know the day will be very painful for me.

I tried to go to a divorce recovery group last night, but when I got there there was no one there. So, I will try again to go next time they have it, but I will confirm before going there. I was actually looking forward to the group, being and talking with people who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

Since the group didn't happen and I was up in Kenosha, I stopped and saw Jean and Terry. Jean is still at a loss of words to explain why Chris did this. I did get the impression that Chris has said more to her than she has told me. She told me that he mentioned this girl got some type of insurance money when her mother died, which I already suspected. I wonder how long that will last her, considering it doesn't seem like she works much. I guess Chris found himself a sugar momma. Good for him. I also found out there is a family party on Saturday. Only a couple people from his family know what is going on, so it will be interesting to see what he tells them. I know he will lie and just say something like, things were bad and we are getting divorced. Jean says she will set the record straight, but who knows. I think that would be a very hard thing to admit to your family that your son is a pig.

I am leaving to go up north with my family on Friday. I think it will be fun, but I'm sure I will be doing a lot of crying. I can't really handle anyone trying to console me without crying. I know everyone means well, but I can't help how I feel. I almost feel like I am better alone, left to my own thoughts and emotions. At home I like to escape to a book. Usually they are trashy romance novels, but it takes my mind of other things.

The Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away, then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?" The oak tree said, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."

My aunt sent me this card and I think it just about sums up how I feel today.

My letter of closure

I wrote the following letter to Chris. I don't know if I will send it.

Dear Chris,

I am writing this letter to give myself closure. I want you to know all the pain you have caused me. You took my heart and soul and smashed it into a million pieces. You never thought once about me and what your actions would do to me. I gave you my body, my soul and my love and you never appreciated what a sacred gift that is. You threw everything we had away for the satisfaction of yourself, for your own self-gratification. I know now that you could never love me the way that I deserve to be loved. You are a sick individual who will never have a loving, healthy relationship. You don’t know what love is. You call your lust to a 20-year-old child love, but it is not. Someday I hope you get the help that you so desperately need.

For a long time I questioned my actions following the discovery of your infidelity. Now I know that my actions were the right ones. I could never have a relationship to someone who could feel no remorse for his actions. You walked away and never looked back and then you tried to blame me. I know that I am not perfect, but I did not deserve the kind of lies and deceit you fed me. I am a kind, caring individual that would have walked to the ends of the earth to help the person that I loved so dearly. You obviously never realized that.

I know that in time my wounds will heal and I will find someone who appreciates the beautiful, strong, caring individual that I am. I will find someone that can have a mutually fulfilling relationship with me and will work with me to achieve my goals and our hopes for the future. I deserve so much more than you ever had to offer. You are so self absorbed that you were not capable of thinking of anyone but yourself. I’m just sorry that I never saw you for what you truly are and I’m sorry that you couldn’t be honest with me and spare me the things that I saw.

You said to me on the day we were moving you out that you didn’t regret marrying me and our honeymoon brought us so much closer. I do regret marrying you. I regret all the pain and sorrow that you have brought upon my family and myself. I regret the fact that the next person I meet is going to have to be compared to you. I regret that I fell in love with a person incapable of true love. Most of all I regret that I gave you my love.

You destroyed all of my dreams of having a child, your child and then to learn that you ran into the arms of a girl with a child was devastating for me. I thought we wanted the same things, I thought you wanted a child of your own, with me. How could you lead me on? How could you let me go through two surgeries and weeks of daily injections all the while planning to be with another person? What kind of sick individual can do that to another human being? Even if things were bad for two months, how could you not speak up and allow me to get my hopes up? How could you so ruthlessly crush everything that I had hoped and dreamed for? I hope you can live with what you have done.

Love is not about sex. Love is sharing yourself completely with another person and them accepting you for whom you are. Love cannot exist if you are not giving of yourself 100%. Lies do not exist within love. I shared my entire being with you. You knew every secret about myself that I had to share. I shared with you everything that I had to give. I never even knew you. You are not the person I fell in love with. You had a whole other life that you decided I was not worthy of sharing with. Would I have accepted your behavior, no, but I would have accepted you and I would have tried to help you get over your addiction. I would have stood by you through the long road to recovery. You never even gave me a chance.

I hope someday you find the strength to seek out help. I hope someday you can find what you are looking for and I hope someday you can find peace with yourself. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, but what makes us better is to find the strength to deal with our demons. I am on a long road to recovery, but I will make it and someday I will look back on the last three years and know that the experience has made me stronger and has made me a better person.

Sincerely,
Heather

I'm better off

Ok, so yes, I am still obsessed with looking at their webpages, but I do realize that they are both sick. Their latest website, mobog, she posts pictures of herself scantily clad and all these men post comments. Do they get off on that kind of shit? I would never flaunt myself all over the Internet like that. Pictures like the ones she posted are meant to be seen only by the person you love. Why would you need other people to validate who you are? Isn't that what the person you are with is supposed to do? Or better yet, why aren't you secure enough in yourself that you don't need validation from someone else.

A friend of mine today told me I am better off without him. I agree. He is not healthy for my personal development or my emotional well being. I am a beautiful person who deserves to be appreciated for who I am. I have a lot of love to give and he does not deserve to receive it. Someone who can take my hopes and dreams and crush them without even a second thought is a sick individual. It's going to take a lot of time for me to heal and move on, but in the long run I will look back on this experience and know that I was the one who was lucky to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Someday he will get what he deserves. Maybe someday he will even realize what he lost, but by then I will be in a better place.

I spent last week visiting with my sister and my new nephew, Brayden. He is so darn cute. I know I'm biased and all, but he is the best baby ever. He's so smart. If you give him his duck he starts quacking. He will cluck his tongue to repeat you if you do it. He would stroke my face and give me kisses. Too cute!!!! I didn't want to leave. It was so nice to get a break from reality. I definately needed it.

Chris signed the paperwork while I was gone. Two to three weeks and I'll be divorced. I'm hoping that is what I need to help me move on.

Angry

I got very angry yesterday and let all my feelings and thoughts be known to Chris. I told him I was sick of being nice and that I was sick of pretending that I'm ok that what he did to me is ok. I'm not ok. There are days when I go to sleep and wish that I would never wake up. I'm going to start taking antidepressants this week. I asked him when he stopped loving me. He told me since we got back from the honeymoon and started working on the house and started IVF he felt like we were more roommates than a married couple. So, for two months he was unhappy and never spoke up until after he had already had an affair. I told him if he put as much effort into our marriage as he did in to all the cutesie comments and pictures he posts on her myspace page that we might not be where we are at today. He said he was happier now that our marriage is over. Well, I'm glad he's happy. I'm miserable.

I cannot cope with the thought that I could spend over three years with a person and not even know them. I can't understand how someone can tell you they love you so deeply and then they walk away without even a second thought. How can someone be that sick? How can someone lie to you repeatedly and never have remorse? I know that he is a sick individual and that I am better off without him, but that knowledge still does not make me feel any better.

I am leaving for Florida tonight. As much as I am looking forward to seeing Brayden and my sister I am equally dreading seeing and dealing with my parents. I know they mean well, but I am already at my emotional capacity. I cannot handle anymore stress and I know they are going to freak out when they see my new tattoo. I know they are going to lecture me about impulse decisions and my smoking again. You know what the tattoo was an impulse decision and although I regret the size of it, I don't regret getting it. It is beautiful and it makes me feel good when I see it or people comment on it. I do regret ever marrying Chris.

The weekend

Well, this weekend was pretty good. Friday night Bethany came over and we played Wii. Saturday we went boating during the day and then at night we went to see Bethany's friend's band play at a bar. That was fun. Today I sat and waited for Chris to drop off the jewelry paperwork. Of course he didn't come when he said he would. He said he'd come in the morning, but he didn't show until around 1:30pm. He didn't look so hot, but he probably intentionally came looking that way. He wants everyone to feel so sorry for him. Screw him. I looked cute. He saw my new tattoo. He said it looked cool. Good!

I asked if he wanted to see our wedding album before I try to take it apart. He did not want to look at it. I understand. I did not want to look at it either. I did though because I was trying to find some look on his face that said this was coming. I did not see anything but happiness and love. I just don't get it. How can you get married and six months later decide to have an affair?

I guess I'll never understand. He is starting counseling this week. He couldn't even look me in the eyes the whole time he was here. Coward! I don't know what I want from him, but some remorse would be nice. I'm sure the reason he doesn't look at me is from guilt. That's good that at least he feels guilty, but remorse would be better. Hopefully his counseling does him some good. He has not looked at the sex addict website that I sent him. I told him I truly believe he suffers from addiction, but then I also said maybe I'm just telling myself that because it's easier than believing he did this intentionally.

Bad Day

Today I am having a bad day. I guess after having almost a week of good, I was bound to run into a bad. I couldn't sleep again last night, popped a pill and woke up groggy. So, not a good start. Then I was just weepy all day long. Started when I talked to my mom on the way in to work. Of course I heard the all this is not your fault comments over and over again. How do you not in some way blame yourself? Yes, I know he chose this, but I was a part of our marriage too. There had to be something about me that caused him to seek out another relationship. Maybe I put too much pressure on him with trying to have a baby and getting ready to buy a house. Maybe I gained too much weight and he found me unattractive. Maybe I wasn't supportive enough. Maybe I was too nice. Maybe I was bad in bed. Maybe, maybe...

I knew he wasn't 100% on board with the IVF, but I still trudged forward. I figured he was just scared. It's a very scary process and there are no guarantees. I guess I just thought if it was more than just fear, he would speak up. Then again he knew kids was an absolute must for me and there was no compromise as far as that was concerned. Maybe he never really wanted a child of his own and was afraid to tell me. We had talked about kids pretty much from day one of our relationship, so I never thought it was an issue.

I'm just so angry. He gets to go off and live his fairytale life with his young, new, exciting girl and he's living rent free at a friend's house. I have to sit here, pay bills, pay a lawyer, tell people I'm getting divorced because my newlywed husband is a lying, cheating bastard. It's just so unfair. His family still has not confronted him. Yes, he knows they know, but they will not sit him down and try to talk some sense into him. Why do I end up being the garbage put out to the curb? What did I do to deserve this? How am I ever going to come to terms with this?

Divorce paperwork

So, I thought we were going to sign the divorce paperwork today. I arranged to meet with the lawyer today at 5:00. Turns out Chris has to work late. The sad thing is, I don't believe a word he says. I think he's just procrastinating. Who knows the reason behind why he would want to, but in the 3+ years we were together he probably worked late three times. How come on the one day that I need him to meet me at the lawyer's office he conveniently has to work late? Maybe he really does, maybe he doesn't. I just want the papers signed.

I keep telling myself that once the divorce is final I won't feel the need to check her website everyday. I made the mistake of looking at her myspace page and low and behold she had posted a ton of new pictures. Some from 4-wheeling this past weekend, some from a waterfall they went to and some from downtown Chicago. The fact that she stepped foot into the same city I live in makes me want to vomit. It's like she's already stolen my husband, does she need to steal the city I love? What more does she want from me? My first born child? Actually, I'd bet money that she'll get that request. I'm betting she will get pregnant by Chris. That will be the straw that will send me over the top. She will get something I so dearly wanted.

The foster puppy has been keeping me busy. He has been especially keeping my neighbor Bethany busy because she's been looking in on him when I'm not home and twice now she has had to rush him to Save-A-Pet because he keeps ripping off his bandage. I have yet to see what it looks like without the bandage on, but Bethany said it is really gross. She said there's no skin and it looks like he's missing a toe. With that being said I'm sure they will amputate it. So sad that someone could leave him like this. His surgeon appointment isn't until Monday. If he keeps ripping the bandage off Bethany is not going to keep helping me. I've got to figure out a way to keep him from doing that.

My new friend

I got the monthly update from Dana, the shelter director for Save-A-Pet yesterday. In it she begs for foster homes due to the economy there are more people than ever giving up their family pets and the kill shelters are full. Save-A-Pet is a no-kill shelter so they are constantly getting requests to take in more animals. We are also full, but do whatever we can to take in more animals and find ways to squeeze them in. One of the animals that she wrote about is an eight month old white boxer with a broken leg. My husband and I had a boxer that we rescued, but he took him when he left. I immediately felt this was meant to be. Chris and I had always wanted a white boxer, but with three dogs and a cat in a townhouse it would have been a tight fit, so we decided to wait until we had a house. Obviously that will never happen and I've been missing Diesel so much. Last night I went and picked him up and brought him home. He is so sweet. They have named him Sprite. I'm not sure if that fits him yet, but for now it's ok.

I would love to keep him, but financially, I don't think that's possible. We'll see. He'll probably be with me awhile until he has surgery and is healed, so that gives me some time to decide. He's just such a lover. He loves everyone. I tried putting him in the kennel for bed, but that only lasted about 10 minutes. I ended up having him sleep in the bed with me and it went really well. He slept all the way through until about 5am. I feel bad for my neighbors because I did kennel him today while I work and you could hear him howling outside. Hopefully he calms down and gets some sleep.

Sometimes it's amazing to think things do happen for a reason. My house felt so empty without Diesel and Chris. Sprite has been able to fill a little of that void and bring me some happiness that is much needed. It's amazing how dogs can bond so quickly and love so unconditionally. I could be 500 pounds and my dogs and cat for that matter would still love me. I don't have to be anyone other than myself when I am around them. I give them love and they give it back. There's no need for them to seek out another, I will always be #1.

Some days are better than others

All in all, I'd say my weekend was pretty good. I watched a movie with my neighbor on Friday night. Saturday I went boating with friends and then started watching a movie with my neighbor, but we stopped to go outside to smoke and our other neighbor, who is also getting divorced was leaving and stopped to chat. He said he was going to get something to eat and some drinks at a bar down the street, so we joined him. He's friends with Chris, they play softball together every Tuesday. Apparently Chris has not been telling people the truth about what happened between us. That really pissed me off. He should have to wear a scarlet letter around, so everyone knows he is a lying bastard. Why should he get off so easy? I have to explain to many, many people that we are separated and getting divorced and then the reason. He should have to too. If he is so ashamed by what he did, then he shouldn't have done it in the first place. What did he think he was just going to be able to keep his affair a secret and go on living his life married to me? I wonder how long he would have fucked around behind my back before ending it with her or ending it with me. It makes me sick to think if he weren't acting so suspicious maybe I never would have suspected and found out.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. There was some type of wedding marathon on HGTV, which normally I love to watch. Yesterday I couldn't. Then I tried watching Hope Floats, but I was already crying and that movie always makes me cry, so I turned it off and went to bed. I keep wondering when this new reality for me is going to set it. I still have a hard time believing it's real. In my dreams we are always back together and everything is great. It really makes it hard to wake up to the truth.

I've decided to get back to my Save-A-Pet scrapbook and back to walking the dogs on the weekends. I think that will help me pass time and remain distracted. I got a few more boxes from the garage unpacked. I really need to get that finished so that I can focus on the other stuff around the house that needs to get done before my parents arrive. They will be pissed if they see how I've let the house go. I just can't get my butt motivated. I just want to sleep and do nothing.

The wedding album

So, I received the call today that I've been dreading. Our wedding album is ready to be picked up. What the heck am I going to do with that? I guess I'll just add it to the box of other items I'm not ready to deal with. The box is currently sitting in the garage, but I think I'm going to move it into the attic. I was planning on taking my wedding dress to a consignment shop, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that just yet. Maybe this weekend I will. I had always hoped some day to have a christening gown made from it.

It's amazing how many things in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Two months ago I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had just gotten back from a fantastic honeymoon, I was married to the man of my dreams and we were starting the process to have a baby and sell our townhouse to buy a house. Now I realize this was all just a dream, never a reality. I've entered into the realm of a nightmare that will never stop.

I always used to love living by myself. Now I find myself lonely all the time wishing someone would call or stop over to fill the void. Even though I take pills to help me sleep, lately I've been waking up a lot, sometimes from nightmares, sometimes because I think I hear someone in the house and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I've never been one to be scared in my own house, but lately I am. I miss having someone sleep beside me. He took our dog Diesel and he used to cuddle up next to me. My cat Picasso still does, but it's just not the same.

Holding on to something that's not there

Don't ask me why, but I keep on holding out hope that Chris will suddenly wake up one day and realize what he's lost. I don't know that it would ever work out for us, but it would still be nice to have him realize that I'm what he wants. I'm looking into finding a divorce recovery group to attend, preferably through a catholic church. Chris's mom is checking into their church. I know they have one, but since I'm not a member, I don't know if they will let me join. I think talking in a live group setting will help me. I'll keep going to individual counseling, but I think speaking with people going through or who have gone through the same thing will help me. The online group I joined is mainly people trying to reconcile their relationships and sometimes it pisses me off that I seem to be the only one who's husband has no desire to reconcile.

I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.

I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.

I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.

When will this get easier?

I spent the Memorial Day weekend doing various things with my friends. All in all it was a good weekend. Unfortunately I was constantly wondering what he was doing and who he was with? I don't understand why he can move on and I cannot. I'm the one that was hurt, I should be the one saying fuck you and moving on with my life. I wish I could ruin his life the same way he has ruined mine.

I knew in my heart that he was with her this weekend and sure as shit she posted new pictures today. The happy family, her, her 4 year old daughter and Chris. It just makes me sick. Here's a man who ruined our dreams of having and family and runs into the arms of a girl with a child. Apparently it's ok to have a child, but not ok for him to have his own. What kind of sick person can do this? It's like a slap in the face over and over again.

I want to blame her for all this because it is much easier than blaming the man that I loved for 3+ years of my life. I know she is not to blame, he is, but she also knew he was married and no matter what lies a man told her, she had a choice to be with a married man. I have always said I would never want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to someone else? How come she has no problem ruining out marriage?

How dare he do this to me? How dare he lie to me over and over? Our entire marriage was a lie. He had no intention of honoring his vows. Now I have to live my life saying I'm divorced. Illinois does not have legal annulments. It's bullshit. I should be able to completely erase this from my records. If only it were that easy to erase from my mind.

Letting Go

I know I already posted today, but someone on Surviving Infidelity sent this to me and I wanted to make sure I saved it because these are things I need practice at.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
(From coping.org, James Messina & Constance Messina, authors)

It is definately over

Chris came over last night to pick up his mail. I thought this might give us a chance to sit down and talk about how this all came to be. I was so wrong. He wouldn't even sit and he just stood there cold as ice. I asked him for the the truth and I wanted to know how all this started. He didn't feel the need to delve into the details. I asked him when he started e-mailing all the random women and how he met them. He said they are people he has known for a long time. I don't believe that. If he knew them, then why was he asking for face pictures? He said he met Shayna on a 4-wheeling forum and they began talking. When things got bad with us two months ago he arranged to meet her. I think all this is lies. Who goes and meets someone once and then creates a whole myspace page dedicated to their relationship? I can't believe a single word that comes from his mouth. I asked if they were in love, I know he's told her he loves her. He just hung his head down and fidgeted around and then said he has strong feelings for her. I asked if he still loved me and he said that he was in love with me. Enough said, he loves her, he doesn't love me. He wouldn't answer if they've had sex, but the look on his face said yes they have. The whole situation disgusts me. He tried basically blaming me saying our sex life was lacking. Give me a break. He's just sick and twisted living in his own little fairytale life.

Today he sent me an e-mail basically accusing me of keeping some of his mail. I do not have anymore of his mail and I will not be letting him pick up anymore of his mail from my house. Whatever comes in I will put in his storage unit. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore unless it's regarding the divorce paperwork. Instead of responding to him I called his mom and told her to tell him I do not have anymore of his mail and that I'll be dropping it off once a week in the storage unit. I also found out he lied to me yet again. He told me that he told his mom he was talking to another woman. She denied that.

I'm so disgusted with myself that I never saw his true colors. Was anything he ever told me true or was our entire relationship a lie? Does he even know how to tell the truth? Questions I'll never know the answers to. Someday I'll move on and stop asking.

I received the divorce paperwork today. It seems surreal to have our entire relationship summed up in black and white dividing everything we have. What about the emotions we had? Can we divide that up too? Can he take over all the hurt and pain I am feeling?

He expects my sympathy?

Yesterday I went to counseling. I am beginning to see there were many things I did wrong in our relationship. Not that anything I did caused him to have an affair, but I was an enabler to his immaturity. I always paid all the bills, I always did all the planning from the wedding to our vacations, I made sure things got done around the house, etc. I could go on and on with all the responsibilities I took on. Yes, he made dinner every night, but that was about it. I guess I just got so used to doing everything for myself that I never asked him to take over. I was just always worried that if I left something to him to do, it would never get done.

He called this morning upset that I was filing through a lawyer. He still doesn't want to have to pay half of the lawyer's fees. I gave him the opportunity to go get the paperwork last week, he didn't do it, so I filed with the lawyer. I guess he's having some financial problems with his phone and bank. I told him he should have thought about all the ramifications before he decided to go out and have an affair. It not only affects you emotionally, but also financially. I also told him I am filing under adultery and that I am asking him to pay half of some credit card debt and the remaining medical bills. He's upset because he will have no where to live soon and he's having financial difficulties. I can't believe the nerve. After everything he's done to me he expects me to feel sorry for him? While he's been off gallivanting with his young new love, I've been sitting at home trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been trying to make plans for a future that is not what I expected it to be. I'm sure his life is going to be turned upside down, but this was his choice, not mine. I was happy living my life as his wife and planning for our future.

Were things perfect in our relationship? No, but who's marriage is perfect? If he was that unhappy why didn't he speak up sooner? Better yet, why did he go through with the marriage? I would much rather have been hurt and out some cash if he cancelled the wedding. I would have been spared the humiliation and pain that he has caused me by having an affair. I love my family and friends, but having to have weekly check ins called to me is embarrassing. I'm not suicidal for crying out loud, I'm just mourning the loss of my marriage.

Living in the fog

Some say that the person having an affair is living in a fog. When the fog clears they realize everything they have done and all the aftermath. So, then why am I the one living in the fog? Why do I keep having these thoughts of how we could work this out? How he'll come back to me and realize what a huge mistake he made. How he'll admit he has a problem and seek help. How he'll move back in and our life will go on and be better than it was before. Is this normal?

I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?

This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.

I can't stop staring at the train wreck

So, today I went back in to the glowfoto account to see if she would respond to my e-mail since he is now gone, but no such luck. Instead she posts a message on his site saying she loves him for not what he is but for what she is when she's with him. BARF!!!! What she is when she's with him is an adulterer. Then she posted new pictures from their weekend together and changed her status to satisfied and slightly sore and her mood to sweaty. Could she be anymore of a whore??? I'm sure she knows that I am looking and is doing all this to get to me. Unfortunately it's working. Why do I keep going in there and looking? Why can't I just let it be and move on with my life?

I heard back from the lawyer, he's filing the paperwork today and the divorce will be final in 3-4 weeks. This should make me happy, instead it makes me very sad. I thought I married someone who I trusted and loved and could spend the rest of my life with. Instead I married a man who I never even truly knew.

One of my friends called me yesterday and invited me for a BBQ Memorial Day weekend. I told her I'd think about it. She said ok, but let me know as soon as possible. I asked her why and she said because there's this guy she wants to introduce me to. Are you kidding me???? That's the last thing I need. I can't even look at another man without wondering what kind of lies are spewing from his mouth. Also, if I am going to make a first impression, I'd rather it be when I'm ready to meet someone else. Not when I loath the idea of having another man touch me. People can tell when you are faking happiness.

Surviving the weekend knowing he's with the other woman

Well, I made it! This weekend has not been easy. Every time I try to relax I imagine everything they are doing together and all the things he used to do for me that he is now doing for her. It makes me nauseous. How can someone promise to love, honor and cherish one person forever and six months later be with another woman? Sending her the same messages that he used to send to me? I wish I could have one conversation with this girl and tell her all the smooth moves he will use on her. I know he's using the same MO with her that he used with me when we first started dating by the messages he's been sending to her. He likes to send images with messages attached, like thinking of you and then there's a picture of a stone sculpture with abstract people sitting there leaning on their hand as if they are thinking. He just sent me that one for Valentine's Day and two weeks ago he sent it to her. He's probably sent her the same love poems he sent to me and he'll probably tell her he loves her in the same way he told me. Two weeks into our relationship I was lying on the couch at his apartment. It was Valentine's Day. He started rubbing my back and then he started writing words on it. He wrote out I love you. That was the first time he told me he loved me. It was so early in the relationship, maybe that should have been my first clue into his alternate personality.

I know I shouldn't be sitting here obsessing about what they may or may not be doing. It's unhealthy, but I just can't help myself. I want him to be sitting at home as miserable as me. I went out with my friends last night to see a band that I like. I tried pretending like I was having fun and everything was ok. I think they saw through that because we didn't stay very long. I also ran into a mutual friend of Chris and I. I told her we were getting divorced. She looked at me and said, but you just got married. I said, I know and then told her he was having an affair with a 21 year old and was with her as we spoke. She looked at me with those sad eyes that everyone has been giving me lately. Every time she walked by she patted me on the back or gave me a hug. I know everyone means well, but I already feel pathetic enough. I don't need that look that says poor you.

Tomorrow I'll go back to work and although everyone has been very supportive, they keep coming up to me asking how I'm doing. The man that I've loved and lived with for the last 3+ years was not the man I thought he was. How do you think I am doing? I take drugs to help me sleep every night because when I lay my head down my eyes don't stop moving and my brain won't stop thinking of everything that's happened in the last few weeks. Every where I look in my house I'm reminded of him. After everything he's done to me I still love him and wish that he would come up with some type of answer that would make this all ok. Or better yet, I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The first week after discovery

On October 20, 2007, I married the love of my life. I was so happy on that day and everyone who attended the wedding said it was perfect and they could see we were so in love. At the end of February we had a belated honeymoon to Whistler, Canada. It was a perfect week. Even though the weather did not cooperate, we still enjoyed spending the time together. There was nothing I would have changed.

We knew going into our marriage that we wanted to have children. Since I have stage IV endometriosis, we knew that was going to be a difficult process. In January I had my third surgery and lost my left fallopian tube along with my appendix. We decided that IVF was going to be our best option to have a child. We started that process in March. On Friday, April 22th I started the daily injections of stimulant drugs. I had already been giving daily Lupron injections for 2 weeks. Any woman who goes through this process will attest to the fact that it's not easy. During this time we also started getting my townhouse ready to sell. So, there was a lot of stress going on here.

That weekend that I started the stims my husband took a weekend trip to go 4-wheeling. I went with my mother-in-law to go scrap booking. On Saturday I had not heard from my husband, so I called him. He said he was getting ready to head out and would call me later. He never called. I sent him a text to make sure everything was all right. Sunday he called to say he would be home late because someone lost their keys and he had to drive them there and back. He got home at 9pm gave me peck and went upstairs, showered and went to bed. He didn't even say goodnight. This was odd.

Monday I went for my first follow up to see how the drugs were working. They weren't working as well as they would like, so they increased my dose. I was upset, so I called my husband. He was so detached. It was like he didn't care what I was going through with all this. I thought about that all day and sent him an e-mail asking if everything was all right and expressed my feelings of feeling so alone in this process. He said he understood why I was feeling that way, but he didn't want to discuss it via e-mail. So, I asked if we could talk when he got home. He agreed. That night he delivered the earth shattering news that he was feeling unsure of the whole IVF process. He didn't think we were going to rush into it. He thought we'd try naturally and if it happened, it happened, if not, oh well. I was shocked. We'd gone for our first IVF consult prior to the wedding. We went for our second IVF consult after the honeymoon and then we started the process. Where was I not clear that I wanted a child no matter what, whether it was through IVF or through adoption??? I'd never said anything different. Needless to say this was very upsetting for me. We agreed to continue the injections that night, but the next day I called to look into freezing my eggs. The cost was $5000 and it's considered experimental. I stayed home from work that day. I cried A LOT. That night I told him what I'd found out. Now he was saying he was being selfish because he didn't want to give up our lifestyle. We'd always talked about traveling and it would be harder with a baby. He also didn't want me to gain weight during pregnancy and never get my body back. (I had gained 20 pounds since we first started dating) On top of all this he now adds that he doesn't think our marriage is where it should be to bring a baby into the picture. I knew we were under a lot of stress, but I never imagined our marriage was at stake. So, again we decided to continue the injections that night, but I was going to call the next day to see about freezing the embryos (fertilized eggs). They said no problem we do that all the time, it's not very costly and then you guys can work on things for awhile and do it down the road and not have to go through the whole injection process again. Wednesday night he went to his parents for dinner because they wanted to talk to him about why he was feeling this way. He came home and he said, oh, I thought you'd be in bed. Um, hello, no because I either have to do the injection or not. He raised his voice and said do we have to talk about this again??? I said yes, we have to make a decision either way. I also explained that if he cancelled the cycle he was going to have to leave for a couple days and give me my space to figure things out. We already had marriage counseling scheduled for Saturday. He said he didn't think he could go through with it and I wasn't going to put myself through the process only to have my eggs flushed down the toilet. So we stopped. The next two days he stayed at a friend's house.

Saturday was our marriage counseling session. What a waste of time! Chris said about 15 words the entire time we were there. The only thing that came out of it was we agreed to work on our marriage for 45 days. That night we argued more and I went up to bed. We agreed to go on a date the next day. I woke up in the middle of the night and the tv and lights were still on downstairs. I thought he had fell asleep downstairs. When I woke up the next day the tv and lights were still on, but his Jeep was gone. I thought he had gone to the gym. 10:30am he was still not home, so I called him. He didn't answer, I left a message. He called me back to say he was on his way to the gym. I said where have you been for the last 2.5 hours. He was like, what, I just woke up, I stayed at Steve's house. I was pissed. We agreed to work on our marriage and he leaves!!!! He said it didn't seem like I wanted him there. He's my husband who I love, yes I was mad, but I still wanted him there even if he was downstairs. When he got home I was still in my pajamas and in bed. I told him I didn't want to go to lunch. He left at 3pm for softball practice. When he came home we had dinner and watched a movie. It was ok, but he was very detached.

The week went by and it was very tense. He left almost every night at around 9pm to run some sort of errand. By Wednesday I was starting to get suspicious. His phone vibrated during dinner. I thought to myself, why does he have his ringer turned off? After dinner he went upstairs and was up there for awhile. I went up to see what he was doing and he must have heard me because he was in the bathroom and then turned the water on. I started looking for his phone. It was not to be found. That night he took a shower, again I looked for his phone and couldn't find it. Thursday night he said at 9pm he was going to get gas. He goes past 5 gas stations on his way home from the gym!!! That was it. I got up that night at 3:30am and looked for his phone. I couldn't find it. Friday night I decided to go spend some time with my best friend. I was so stressed. On my way to her house I was talking to another friend. I had already been trying to think of ways to get into his phone records and one of the ways I thought was through his e-mail, but I didn't know the password. While we were on the phone she was trying different things. At one point I said, just to give you an idea of the type of passwords he picks, he put winterpark as our password for our home e-mail. She tried it while I was on the phone and opened up the gates of my own personal hell.

She said, oh Heather, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to read you this stuff? I said, yes! First there was a file called pictures that contained a lot of porn pictures. Ok, I could live with that. Then she went into his sent file. He had been communicating sexually with a lot of different women. Sending pictures back and forth of themselves naked. He had even sent pictures of himself performing sexual acts on the pictures he had received and printed. I was so hurt. He had sent a sexually explicit e-mail detailing what he would do with this women if he had a weekend with her 9 days after our wedding. This had been going on since long before we got married until the present. He was even speaking on the phone with one of these women. I thought it couldn't get worse. Then she finds he has a myspace page. What we found would change my life forever. The weekend he went 4-wheeling he drove to Ohio on Sunday to be with a 21 year old waitress who has a 4 year old daughter. He is 33 years old!!!! The whole myspace page was dedicated to their relationship. He had that he lived in Wisconsin. We live in Illinois. There were messages going back and forth between them with little cutsie messages and counting down the days until they would be together again. It turns out his supposed business trip the following weekend was to go see her. That moment destroyed the past 3+ years of my life.

He said his previous marriage was ended by his wife having an affair. Now he was doing the exact same thing to me. I never was unfaithful. I couldn't even imagine ever being with another man. I loved my husband and would never intentionally hurt him. What a joke of a life I have been living! He never loved me. He loved himself and was only concerned with his own happiness. The rest of the evening was a blur. Thank God for the friends I have. They convinced me to stay there that night and deal with him the next day. He was on to us though because we had tried to break into his phone records and it sent him a text. He kept calling me over and over again, but I would not answer. I sent him a text telling him I was staying the night because my friend's daughter was sick.

The next morning we showed up at my house, my best friend's husband, my other friend and her husband and my neighbor. I called when I was almost there and asked him to meet me outside. He came out, I walked up to him and I told him it was over. I knew everything and I mean everything. I know about Shayna and all the other women. We are here to move my stuff out of storage and then we'll be back to move your stuff in. He said ok but can I talk to you for a minute in private. I said I would ask everyone to move away and he can talk to me outside. He then asked me about some stuff of his that was missing. I said sure, I took them. He said what am I asking about and I said your guns. He said where are they and I said not here, I'll give them to your parents. He said I just want you to know I would never hurt you that way. I looked at him and said I obviously don't know you at all so how do I know what you are capable of. Then I walked away and we went to the storage unit. When we got back he had started packing, so we cleaned out the garage and made room for my stuff. Then we started loading his. He again asked me if we could talk and I said sure. He apologized over and over again and said he should have told me and I said yes, you should have you could have spared me from seeing everything I had to see. He said he didn't regret marrying me, that was the happiest day of his life and our honeymoon brought us closer together. I said and that's why 9 days after our wedding you e-mailed a woman asking her for explicit pictures and right after our honeymoon you went right back to e-mailing all these women. He then told me he wished I would just hit him. I wished I could have, but I couldn't. Don't ask me why. Now I'd like to. We continued to move him out. He kept asking if we had to do everything today. I said yes we do. We have the help and the cars here, so we're doing it all today. This continued throughout the day. He kept asking to speak with me and just kept saying the same thing, he's so sorry, he doesn't know why he did it. Blah, blah, blah

After we were done moving all his stuff into storage we decided to get some lunch. We went to Home Depot first to get new locks and then we decided just to go back and get pizza. We saw him driving away as we went back to my house. He had to come back to get his/our dog. He didn't have room in his Jeep. When he got back and we were all there, his entire demeanor had changed. He was pissed. He stormed in and packed up the dogs stuff and started to storm out. I pointed out that he was forgetting Diesel's favorite toy. He stomped over and picked up a bunch of toys and stormed out. Let the dog poop in the yard and drove away. He didn't even let me say goodbye to our dog.

The first week in the aftermath has been the hardest time of my life. Monday I stayed home from work and just cried all day. Tuesday I went to work, but didn't get anything done because all I did was cry. I had a counselor appointment scheduled for that night. I talked with him and he thought it might be beneficial for me to keep our marriage counseling session for the following week. I called Chris that night and asked him if he would go with me. He said yes, but he would call to change it because he has softball that night. Give me a break, after all this, his priorities still center around himself. Wednesday I called to see if he had called to change the appointment. He said yes, but the counselor hadn't called him back yet. He then said that he called the courthouse and they do have the paperwork to file for divorce without a lawyer. He didn't want to pay for the lawyer I had contacted. I told him fine to go get them and drop them off. I then asked him, so this is what you want? He said, you made it perfectly clear what you wanted when you moved me out and told me you had already contacted a lawyer. I said, I was pissed and in rage, which I had every right to be. But I made vows that I always intended to honor. He said that he thought it would be too hard to try to work it out because I would never trust him. I said yes, you would have to earn my trust back. You would have to give me all your passwords and access to your phone and credit card records. He said, oh, so I can live in a prison. I said if you really wanted to try to make this work, you'd be willing to do whatever it takes. Then I asked if he was still going to see her this weekend. He said yes, I need to figure out what I want. Give me a break!!! He doesn't have a choice anymore, once he chose to go see her after he was caught, he made it pretty clear what he wants. Thursday he did not drop off the paperwork, so I gave the lawyer all the information on Friday. Friday I also called the marriage counselor to see if he had changed the appointment, he had not even called, so I canceled the appointment. Friday morning he flew out to see the tramp. He claims she knows about me, but thinks we are separated. Well, you wish is my command, we are now!!!

Thursday night I found the new space they were communicating on, Glowfoto.com. He was using the name Caleb007, Caleb was the name he had picked for our first born son. Guess he really liked that name. She sent him an e-mail on 5/13 saying, I just want ONE man to prove to me not all men are the same. I sent her an e-mail that night that was titled, all men are the same. The content was, your beloved man is my husband. We were not separated until last Saturday when I found out about you and all the other women. I also created my own Glowfoto site with pictures from our rehearsal dinner, wedding day and honeymoon. I also created a blog detailing how my husband of 7 months while trying to have a baby was having an affair with a 21 year old woman from another state. I tried to add some other pictures of him called my pathological lying husband, a liar and a cheat, etc, but my pictures wouldn't post. Can you tell I was enraged? Oh well, if she was smart she had enough to see the truth. His flight arrived Friday morning, but she did not log in before he arrived. She did log in Saturday morning, but she didn't respond, so who knows if she believed me. Oh well, I tried to warn her, he's her problem now.

I went out Friday night with my friends, tried to assume some semblance of normalcy. It was difficult, but I think it was good for me. Saturday morning I drove up to my in-laws house to bring up his guns and pick up some other things I had there, including my wedding album proof book. We haven't even received our wedding album yet. I tried calling to cancel it, but it was 3/4 of the way done, so they are going to call me when it's finished. Great!!!! I can't wait.

So, I sit here today trying to get my feelings out, trying not to think of them spending time together, cuddling, kissing, etc. It's very hard not to have a constant silent movie playing in my head. I've gone through every range of emotion. I love him one minute and want to stab his eyes out the next. He has done the worst thing to me possible. First he ripped away my future by cancelling the IVF, then he ripped out my heart by having affairs. I've done research and truly believe he is a sex addict and maybe also has a narcissistic personality disorder. I know he will not get himself help. I tried telling his mom he needs help. She agreed and claims that he said he would go, but I know that will never happen. He'll live his life as if nothing has changed, well except for the fact that he is homeless and most of his friends have turned their back on him. His family is crushed and he doesn't have a wife to come home to. His family will get over this in time. I will go on living my life trying to pretend like I'm ok, but I know that I will be changed forever. I didn't date from the time I was 21 until 30 because I had been hurt so bad by my first boyfriend. I opened my heart to him. I thought I had found my life partner, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, the future father of my children. In actuality I had found a person incapable of true love, a sexual deviant, a pathological liar living a double life. How will I ever be able to trust another man?

He had it good while with me, I never suspected a thing until he started acting strange. Yes, I am happy I listened to my gut. Everyone keeps telling me, be glad you found out when you did. Ok, I know that is supposed to make me feel better, but right now that does not help me. I keep wondering how after only 7 months of marriage could he seek out another woman. Was I such a horrible wife that I couldn't even keep him satisfied for that short of time? Was I so lacking that he needed to go get his needs fulfilled somewhere else? Was I too old? Too fat? Too anything???? I know in my heart that I had nothing to do with this, that he suffers from some type of illness, but my head still keeps thinking through every minute of the last 3 years together, trying to come up with everything I did wrong or everything I could have done different.

I know that I will make it through this, right now it seems impossible, but some day I will come out a better, stronger person because of this. Right now I'm going to focus on me and try to love myself for who I am, a valuable person, who honors the sanction of marriage. A loyal person, a friend that everyone was there for in her time of need because she is always there for everyone else. I have been told by many that I did not deserve this. You're right I did not and he did not deserve me.