Divorce is final

Well, today was the day for court and the divorce was declared final. It is still amazing to me that a marriage can be ended so quickly. My court time was 9:00am and I was out of there by 9:15. The judge was 10 minutes late and the actual hearing took 5 minutes. I thought I'd be a wreck, but I did surprisingly well. I only teared up once. It probably helped that I was so hung over from the night before. I went to the boat races at Blarney's Island with some friends. It was fun, but I was paying the price this morning.

I'm so numb today. I don't know if it's the hang over or if I am in some way relieved that this part is over. I was dreading today. I sent Chris a test message afterwards telling him he's now a free man. He didn't respond. Didn't really think he would. He's a coward that got off so easy. I know a part of me still loves him, but I know in time that will go away. He's not the man I loved. That man is gone forever.

Two years ago today we got engaged

I knew today would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how hard. It doesn't help that he's in Ohio today celebrating Shayna's 21st birthday. My birthday is on Sunday and I'll be 34. Makes me feel really old. I was 13 years old when his girlfriend was born. Yuck!!! I've been trying not to focus on the significance of today, but then I keep getting flashbacks of floating on the river and then calling my parents after he proposed. I was so happy. I remember my finger was so swollen from it being so hot out that he could barely get the ring on my finger. I actually thought I was going to have to take it off on the way home, but then the swelling went down. I called everyone I knew on the drive home that day. When we got to Lake Geneva area there were fabulous fireworks that you could see from the road. It was so cool. Almost like our own little private celebration.

Now that's all gone. Destroyed by his sick addiction. I know that I am better off. I know I need to stop looking at their pictures on her website. I just can't stop. I keep telling myself, when the divorce is final I won't care anymore. I'm sure that won't be true, but maybe if I keep telling myself that for the next two weeks, I will believe it's true by then.

People experience adultery everyday. Millions of people make it through it. Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this? I think I am a pretty strong person, with a good head on my shoulders, but yet I feel stuck. I feel like someone buried me alive and I can't dig my way out. My mom called me when everything came out regarding Christie Brinkley's divorce. She said, see if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. This is not your fault. In my heart, I know that's true, but it still does not make it any easier.