Divorce is final

Well, today was the day for court and the divorce was declared final. It is still amazing to me that a marriage can be ended so quickly. My court time was 9:00am and I was out of there by 9:15. The judge was 10 minutes late and the actual hearing took 5 minutes. I thought I'd be a wreck, but I did surprisingly well. I only teared up once. It probably helped that I was so hung over from the night before. I went to the boat races at Blarney's Island with some friends. It was fun, but I was paying the price this morning.

I'm so numb today. I don't know if it's the hang over or if I am in some way relieved that this part is over. I was dreading today. I sent Chris a test message afterwards telling him he's now a free man. He didn't respond. Didn't really think he would. He's a coward that got off so easy. I know a part of me still loves him, but I know in time that will go away. He's not the man I loved. That man is gone forever.

Two years ago today we got engaged

I knew today would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how hard. It doesn't help that he's in Ohio today celebrating Shayna's 21st birthday. My birthday is on Sunday and I'll be 34. Makes me feel really old. I was 13 years old when his girlfriend was born. Yuck!!! I've been trying not to focus on the significance of today, but then I keep getting flashbacks of floating on the river and then calling my parents after he proposed. I was so happy. I remember my finger was so swollen from it being so hot out that he could barely get the ring on my finger. I actually thought I was going to have to take it off on the way home, but then the swelling went down. I called everyone I knew on the drive home that day. When we got to Lake Geneva area there were fabulous fireworks that you could see from the road. It was so cool. Almost like our own little private celebration.

Now that's all gone. Destroyed by his sick addiction. I know that I am better off. I know I need to stop looking at their pictures on her website. I just can't stop. I keep telling myself, when the divorce is final I won't care anymore. I'm sure that won't be true, but maybe if I keep telling myself that for the next two weeks, I will believe it's true by then.

People experience adultery everyday. Millions of people make it through it. Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this? I think I am a pretty strong person, with a good head on my shoulders, but yet I feel stuck. I feel like someone buried me alive and I can't dig my way out. My mom called me when everything came out regarding Christie Brinkley's divorce. She said, see if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. This is not your fault. In my heart, I know that's true, but it still does not make it any easier.

Court Date Set - July 18th

I found out yesterday that my court date has been set for July 18th. I thought I would feel so much better knowing when this would all be over. Truth be told, I could not stop crying yesterday. He won't even be notified of the court date. He won't need to be present. It just seems so surreal that a marriage can end without both parties present. I know that it would not be easy if he were there, so I am thankful, but in the same respects I feel like he should have to be present for the end of what he destroyed. I know the day will be very painful for me.

I tried to go to a divorce recovery group last night, but when I got there there was no one there. So, I will try again to go next time they have it, but I will confirm before going there. I was actually looking forward to the group, being and talking with people who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

Since the group didn't happen and I was up in Kenosha, I stopped and saw Jean and Terry. Jean is still at a loss of words to explain why Chris did this. I did get the impression that Chris has said more to her than she has told me. She told me that he mentioned this girl got some type of insurance money when her mother died, which I already suspected. I wonder how long that will last her, considering it doesn't seem like she works much. I guess Chris found himself a sugar momma. Good for him. I also found out there is a family party on Saturday. Only a couple people from his family know what is going on, so it will be interesting to see what he tells them. I know he will lie and just say something like, things were bad and we are getting divorced. Jean says she will set the record straight, but who knows. I think that would be a very hard thing to admit to your family that your son is a pig.

I am leaving to go up north with my family on Friday. I think it will be fun, but I'm sure I will be doing a lot of crying. I can't really handle anyone trying to console me without crying. I know everyone means well, but I can't help how I feel. I almost feel like I am better alone, left to my own thoughts and emotions. At home I like to escape to a book. Usually they are trashy romance novels, but it takes my mind of other things.

The Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away, then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?" The oak tree said, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."

My aunt sent me this card and I think it just about sums up how I feel today.

My letter of closure

I wrote the following letter to Chris. I don't know if I will send it.

Dear Chris,

I am writing this letter to give myself closure. I want you to know all the pain you have caused me. You took my heart and soul and smashed it into a million pieces. You never thought once about me and what your actions would do to me. I gave you my body, my soul and my love and you never appreciated what a sacred gift that is. You threw everything we had away for the satisfaction of yourself, for your own self-gratification. I know now that you could never love me the way that I deserve to be loved. You are a sick individual who will never have a loving, healthy relationship. You don’t know what love is. You call your lust to a 20-year-old child love, but it is not. Someday I hope you get the help that you so desperately need.

For a long time I questioned my actions following the discovery of your infidelity. Now I know that my actions were the right ones. I could never have a relationship to someone who could feel no remorse for his actions. You walked away and never looked back and then you tried to blame me. I know that I am not perfect, but I did not deserve the kind of lies and deceit you fed me. I am a kind, caring individual that would have walked to the ends of the earth to help the person that I loved so dearly. You obviously never realized that.

I know that in time my wounds will heal and I will find someone who appreciates the beautiful, strong, caring individual that I am. I will find someone that can have a mutually fulfilling relationship with me and will work with me to achieve my goals and our hopes for the future. I deserve so much more than you ever had to offer. You are so self absorbed that you were not capable of thinking of anyone but yourself. I’m just sorry that I never saw you for what you truly are and I’m sorry that you couldn’t be honest with me and spare me the things that I saw.

You said to me on the day we were moving you out that you didn’t regret marrying me and our honeymoon brought us so much closer. I do regret marrying you. I regret all the pain and sorrow that you have brought upon my family and myself. I regret the fact that the next person I meet is going to have to be compared to you. I regret that I fell in love with a person incapable of true love. Most of all I regret that I gave you my love.

You destroyed all of my dreams of having a child, your child and then to learn that you ran into the arms of a girl with a child was devastating for me. I thought we wanted the same things, I thought you wanted a child of your own, with me. How could you lead me on? How could you let me go through two surgeries and weeks of daily injections all the while planning to be with another person? What kind of sick individual can do that to another human being? Even if things were bad for two months, how could you not speak up and allow me to get my hopes up? How could you so ruthlessly crush everything that I had hoped and dreamed for? I hope you can live with what you have done.

Love is not about sex. Love is sharing yourself completely with another person and them accepting you for whom you are. Love cannot exist if you are not giving of yourself 100%. Lies do not exist within love. I shared my entire being with you. You knew every secret about myself that I had to share. I shared with you everything that I had to give. I never even knew you. You are not the person I fell in love with. You had a whole other life that you decided I was not worthy of sharing with. Would I have accepted your behavior, no, but I would have accepted you and I would have tried to help you get over your addiction. I would have stood by you through the long road to recovery. You never even gave me a chance.

I hope someday you find the strength to seek out help. I hope someday you can find what you are looking for and I hope someday you can find peace with yourself. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, but what makes us better is to find the strength to deal with our demons. I am on a long road to recovery, but I will make it and someday I will look back on the last three years and know that the experience has made me stronger and has made me a better person.

Sincerely,
Heather

I'm better off

Ok, so yes, I am still obsessed with looking at their webpages, but I do realize that they are both sick. Their latest website, mobog, she posts pictures of herself scantily clad and all these men post comments. Do they get off on that kind of shit? I would never flaunt myself all over the Internet like that. Pictures like the ones she posted are meant to be seen only by the person you love. Why would you need other people to validate who you are? Isn't that what the person you are with is supposed to do? Or better yet, why aren't you secure enough in yourself that you don't need validation from someone else.

A friend of mine today told me I am better off without him. I agree. He is not healthy for my personal development or my emotional well being. I am a beautiful person who deserves to be appreciated for who I am. I have a lot of love to give and he does not deserve to receive it. Someone who can take my hopes and dreams and crush them without even a second thought is a sick individual. It's going to take a lot of time for me to heal and move on, but in the long run I will look back on this experience and know that I was the one who was lucky to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Someday he will get what he deserves. Maybe someday he will even realize what he lost, but by then I will be in a better place.

I spent last week visiting with my sister and my new nephew, Brayden. He is so darn cute. I know I'm biased and all, but he is the best baby ever. He's so smart. If you give him his duck he starts quacking. He will cluck his tongue to repeat you if you do it. He would stroke my face and give me kisses. Too cute!!!! I didn't want to leave. It was so nice to get a break from reality. I definately needed it.

Chris signed the paperwork while I was gone. Two to three weeks and I'll be divorced. I'm hoping that is what I need to help me move on.

Angry

I got very angry yesterday and let all my feelings and thoughts be known to Chris. I told him I was sick of being nice and that I was sick of pretending that I'm ok that what he did to me is ok. I'm not ok. There are days when I go to sleep and wish that I would never wake up. I'm going to start taking antidepressants this week. I asked him when he stopped loving me. He told me since we got back from the honeymoon and started working on the house and started IVF he felt like we were more roommates than a married couple. So, for two months he was unhappy and never spoke up until after he had already had an affair. I told him if he put as much effort into our marriage as he did in to all the cutesie comments and pictures he posts on her myspace page that we might not be where we are at today. He said he was happier now that our marriage is over. Well, I'm glad he's happy. I'm miserable.

I cannot cope with the thought that I could spend over three years with a person and not even know them. I can't understand how someone can tell you they love you so deeply and then they walk away without even a second thought. How can someone be that sick? How can someone lie to you repeatedly and never have remorse? I know that he is a sick individual and that I am better off without him, but that knowledge still does not make me feel any better.

I am leaving for Florida tonight. As much as I am looking forward to seeing Brayden and my sister I am equally dreading seeing and dealing with my parents. I know they mean well, but I am already at my emotional capacity. I cannot handle anymore stress and I know they are going to freak out when they see my new tattoo. I know they are going to lecture me about impulse decisions and my smoking again. You know what the tattoo was an impulse decision and although I regret the size of it, I don't regret getting it. It is beautiful and it makes me feel good when I see it or people comment on it. I do regret ever marrying Chris.

The weekend

Well, this weekend was pretty good. Friday night Bethany came over and we played Wii. Saturday we went boating during the day and then at night we went to see Bethany's friend's band play at a bar. That was fun. Today I sat and waited for Chris to drop off the jewelry paperwork. Of course he didn't come when he said he would. He said he'd come in the morning, but he didn't show until around 1:30pm. He didn't look so hot, but he probably intentionally came looking that way. He wants everyone to feel so sorry for him. Screw him. I looked cute. He saw my new tattoo. He said it looked cool. Good!

I asked if he wanted to see our wedding album before I try to take it apart. He did not want to look at it. I understand. I did not want to look at it either. I did though because I was trying to find some look on his face that said this was coming. I did not see anything but happiness and love. I just don't get it. How can you get married and six months later decide to have an affair?

I guess I'll never understand. He is starting counseling this week. He couldn't even look me in the eyes the whole time he was here. Coward! I don't know what I want from him, but some remorse would be nice. I'm sure the reason he doesn't look at me is from guilt. That's good that at least he feels guilty, but remorse would be better. Hopefully his counseling does him some good. He has not looked at the sex addict website that I sent him. I told him I truly believe he suffers from addiction, but then I also said maybe I'm just telling myself that because it's easier than believing he did this intentionally.

Bad Day

Today I am having a bad day. I guess after having almost a week of good, I was bound to run into a bad. I couldn't sleep again last night, popped a pill and woke up groggy. So, not a good start. Then I was just weepy all day long. Started when I talked to my mom on the way in to work. Of course I heard the all this is not your fault comments over and over again. How do you not in some way blame yourself? Yes, I know he chose this, but I was a part of our marriage too. There had to be something about me that caused him to seek out another relationship. Maybe I put too much pressure on him with trying to have a baby and getting ready to buy a house. Maybe I gained too much weight and he found me unattractive. Maybe I wasn't supportive enough. Maybe I was too nice. Maybe I was bad in bed. Maybe, maybe...

I knew he wasn't 100% on board with the IVF, but I still trudged forward. I figured he was just scared. It's a very scary process and there are no guarantees. I guess I just thought if it was more than just fear, he would speak up. Then again he knew kids was an absolute must for me and there was no compromise as far as that was concerned. Maybe he never really wanted a child of his own and was afraid to tell me. We had talked about kids pretty much from day one of our relationship, so I never thought it was an issue.

I'm just so angry. He gets to go off and live his fairytale life with his young, new, exciting girl and he's living rent free at a friend's house. I have to sit here, pay bills, pay a lawyer, tell people I'm getting divorced because my newlywed husband is a lying, cheating bastard. It's just so unfair. His family still has not confronted him. Yes, he knows they know, but they will not sit him down and try to talk some sense into him. Why do I end up being the garbage put out to the curb? What did I do to deserve this? How am I ever going to come to terms with this?

Divorce paperwork

So, I thought we were going to sign the divorce paperwork today. I arranged to meet with the lawyer today at 5:00. Turns out Chris has to work late. The sad thing is, I don't believe a word he says. I think he's just procrastinating. Who knows the reason behind why he would want to, but in the 3+ years we were together he probably worked late three times. How come on the one day that I need him to meet me at the lawyer's office he conveniently has to work late? Maybe he really does, maybe he doesn't. I just want the papers signed.

I keep telling myself that once the divorce is final I won't feel the need to check her website everyday. I made the mistake of looking at her myspace page and low and behold she had posted a ton of new pictures. Some from 4-wheeling this past weekend, some from a waterfall they went to and some from downtown Chicago. The fact that she stepped foot into the same city I live in makes me want to vomit. It's like she's already stolen my husband, does she need to steal the city I love? What more does she want from me? My first born child? Actually, I'd bet money that she'll get that request. I'm betting she will get pregnant by Chris. That will be the straw that will send me over the top. She will get something I so dearly wanted.

The foster puppy has been keeping me busy. He has been especially keeping my neighbor Bethany busy because she's been looking in on him when I'm not home and twice now she has had to rush him to Save-A-Pet because he keeps ripping off his bandage. I have yet to see what it looks like without the bandage on, but Bethany said it is really gross. She said there's no skin and it looks like he's missing a toe. With that being said I'm sure they will amputate it. So sad that someone could leave him like this. His surgeon appointment isn't until Monday. If he keeps ripping the bandage off Bethany is not going to keep helping me. I've got to figure out a way to keep him from doing that.

My new friend

I got the monthly update from Dana, the shelter director for Save-A-Pet yesterday. In it she begs for foster homes due to the economy there are more people than ever giving up their family pets and the kill shelters are full. Save-A-Pet is a no-kill shelter so they are constantly getting requests to take in more animals. We are also full, but do whatever we can to take in more animals and find ways to squeeze them in. One of the animals that she wrote about is an eight month old white boxer with a broken leg. My husband and I had a boxer that we rescued, but he took him when he left. I immediately felt this was meant to be. Chris and I had always wanted a white boxer, but with three dogs and a cat in a townhouse it would have been a tight fit, so we decided to wait until we had a house. Obviously that will never happen and I've been missing Diesel so much. Last night I went and picked him up and brought him home. He is so sweet. They have named him Sprite. I'm not sure if that fits him yet, but for now it's ok.

I would love to keep him, but financially, I don't think that's possible. We'll see. He'll probably be with me awhile until he has surgery and is healed, so that gives me some time to decide. He's just such a lover. He loves everyone. I tried putting him in the kennel for bed, but that only lasted about 10 minutes. I ended up having him sleep in the bed with me and it went really well. He slept all the way through until about 5am. I feel bad for my neighbors because I did kennel him today while I work and you could hear him howling outside. Hopefully he calms down and gets some sleep.

Sometimes it's amazing to think things do happen for a reason. My house felt so empty without Diesel and Chris. Sprite has been able to fill a little of that void and bring me some happiness that is much needed. It's amazing how dogs can bond so quickly and love so unconditionally. I could be 500 pounds and my dogs and cat for that matter would still love me. I don't have to be anyone other than myself when I am around them. I give them love and they give it back. There's no need for them to seek out another, I will always be #1.

Some days are better than others

All in all, I'd say my weekend was pretty good. I watched a movie with my neighbor on Friday night. Saturday I went boating with friends and then started watching a movie with my neighbor, but we stopped to go outside to smoke and our other neighbor, who is also getting divorced was leaving and stopped to chat. He said he was going to get something to eat and some drinks at a bar down the street, so we joined him. He's friends with Chris, they play softball together every Tuesday. Apparently Chris has not been telling people the truth about what happened between us. That really pissed me off. He should have to wear a scarlet letter around, so everyone knows he is a lying bastard. Why should he get off so easy? I have to explain to many, many people that we are separated and getting divorced and then the reason. He should have to too. If he is so ashamed by what he did, then he shouldn't have done it in the first place. What did he think he was just going to be able to keep his affair a secret and go on living his life married to me? I wonder how long he would have fucked around behind my back before ending it with her or ending it with me. It makes me sick to think if he weren't acting so suspicious maybe I never would have suspected and found out.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. There was some type of wedding marathon on HGTV, which normally I love to watch. Yesterday I couldn't. Then I tried watching Hope Floats, but I was already crying and that movie always makes me cry, so I turned it off and went to bed. I keep wondering when this new reality for me is going to set it. I still have a hard time believing it's real. In my dreams we are always back together and everything is great. It really makes it hard to wake up to the truth.

I've decided to get back to my Save-A-Pet scrapbook and back to walking the dogs on the weekends. I think that will help me pass time and remain distracted. I got a few more boxes from the garage unpacked. I really need to get that finished so that I can focus on the other stuff around the house that needs to get done before my parents arrive. They will be pissed if they see how I've let the house go. I just can't get my butt motivated. I just want to sleep and do nothing.

The wedding album

So, I received the call today that I've been dreading. Our wedding album is ready to be picked up. What the heck am I going to do with that? I guess I'll just add it to the box of other items I'm not ready to deal with. The box is currently sitting in the garage, but I think I'm going to move it into the attic. I was planning on taking my wedding dress to a consignment shop, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that just yet. Maybe this weekend I will. I had always hoped some day to have a christening gown made from it.

It's amazing how many things in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Two months ago I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had just gotten back from a fantastic honeymoon, I was married to the man of my dreams and we were starting the process to have a baby and sell our townhouse to buy a house. Now I realize this was all just a dream, never a reality. I've entered into the realm of a nightmare that will never stop.

I always used to love living by myself. Now I find myself lonely all the time wishing someone would call or stop over to fill the void. Even though I take pills to help me sleep, lately I've been waking up a lot, sometimes from nightmares, sometimes because I think I hear someone in the house and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I've never been one to be scared in my own house, but lately I am. I miss having someone sleep beside me. He took our dog Diesel and he used to cuddle up next to me. My cat Picasso still does, but it's just not the same.

Holding on to something that's not there

Don't ask me why, but I keep on holding out hope that Chris will suddenly wake up one day and realize what he's lost. I don't know that it would ever work out for us, but it would still be nice to have him realize that I'm what he wants. I'm looking into finding a divorce recovery group to attend, preferably through a catholic church. Chris's mom is checking into their church. I know they have one, but since I'm not a member, I don't know if they will let me join. I think talking in a live group setting will help me. I'll keep going to individual counseling, but I think speaking with people going through or who have gone through the same thing will help me. The online group I joined is mainly people trying to reconcile their relationships and sometimes it pisses me off that I seem to be the only one who's husband has no desire to reconcile.

I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.

I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.

I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.

When will this get easier?

I spent the Memorial Day weekend doing various things with my friends. All in all it was a good weekend. Unfortunately I was constantly wondering what he was doing and who he was with? I don't understand why he can move on and I cannot. I'm the one that was hurt, I should be the one saying fuck you and moving on with my life. I wish I could ruin his life the same way he has ruined mine.

I knew in my heart that he was with her this weekend and sure as shit she posted new pictures today. The happy family, her, her 4 year old daughter and Chris. It just makes me sick. Here's a man who ruined our dreams of having and family and runs into the arms of a girl with a child. Apparently it's ok to have a child, but not ok for him to have his own. What kind of sick person can do this? It's like a slap in the face over and over again.

I want to blame her for all this because it is much easier than blaming the man that I loved for 3+ years of my life. I know she is not to blame, he is, but she also knew he was married and no matter what lies a man told her, she had a choice to be with a married man. I have always said I would never want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to someone else? How come she has no problem ruining out marriage?

How dare he do this to me? How dare he lie to me over and over? Our entire marriage was a lie. He had no intention of honoring his vows. Now I have to live my life saying I'm divorced. Illinois does not have legal annulments. It's bullshit. I should be able to completely erase this from my records. If only it were that easy to erase from my mind.

Letting Go

I know I already posted today, but someone on Surviving Infidelity sent this to me and I wanted to make sure I saved it because these are things I need practice at.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
(From coping.org, James Messina & Constance Messina, authors)

It is definately over

Chris came over last night to pick up his mail. I thought this might give us a chance to sit down and talk about how this all came to be. I was so wrong. He wouldn't even sit and he just stood there cold as ice. I asked him for the the truth and I wanted to know how all this started. He didn't feel the need to delve into the details. I asked him when he started e-mailing all the random women and how he met them. He said they are people he has known for a long time. I don't believe that. If he knew them, then why was he asking for face pictures? He said he met Shayna on a 4-wheeling forum and they began talking. When things got bad with us two months ago he arranged to meet her. I think all this is lies. Who goes and meets someone once and then creates a whole myspace page dedicated to their relationship? I can't believe a single word that comes from his mouth. I asked if they were in love, I know he's told her he loves her. He just hung his head down and fidgeted around and then said he has strong feelings for her. I asked if he still loved me and he said that he was in love with me. Enough said, he loves her, he doesn't love me. He wouldn't answer if they've had sex, but the look on his face said yes they have. The whole situation disgusts me. He tried basically blaming me saying our sex life was lacking. Give me a break. He's just sick and twisted living in his own little fairytale life.

Today he sent me an e-mail basically accusing me of keeping some of his mail. I do not have anymore of his mail and I will not be letting him pick up anymore of his mail from my house. Whatever comes in I will put in his storage unit. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore unless it's regarding the divorce paperwork. Instead of responding to him I called his mom and told her to tell him I do not have anymore of his mail and that I'll be dropping it off once a week in the storage unit. I also found out he lied to me yet again. He told me that he told his mom he was talking to another woman. She denied that.

I'm so disgusted with myself that I never saw his true colors. Was anything he ever told me true or was our entire relationship a lie? Does he even know how to tell the truth? Questions I'll never know the answers to. Someday I'll move on and stop asking.

I received the divorce paperwork today. It seems surreal to have our entire relationship summed up in black and white dividing everything we have. What about the emotions we had? Can we divide that up too? Can he take over all the hurt and pain I am feeling?

He expects my sympathy?

Yesterday I went to counseling. I am beginning to see there were many things I did wrong in our relationship. Not that anything I did caused him to have an affair, but I was an enabler to his immaturity. I always paid all the bills, I always did all the planning from the wedding to our vacations, I made sure things got done around the house, etc. I could go on and on with all the responsibilities I took on. Yes, he made dinner every night, but that was about it. I guess I just got so used to doing everything for myself that I never asked him to take over. I was just always worried that if I left something to him to do, it would never get done.

He called this morning upset that I was filing through a lawyer. He still doesn't want to have to pay half of the lawyer's fees. I gave him the opportunity to go get the paperwork last week, he didn't do it, so I filed with the lawyer. I guess he's having some financial problems with his phone and bank. I told him he should have thought about all the ramifications before he decided to go out and have an affair. It not only affects you emotionally, but also financially. I also told him I am filing under adultery and that I am asking him to pay half of some credit card debt and the remaining medical bills. He's upset because he will have no where to live soon and he's having financial difficulties. I can't believe the nerve. After everything he's done to me he expects me to feel sorry for him? While he's been off gallivanting with his young new love, I've been sitting at home trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been trying to make plans for a future that is not what I expected it to be. I'm sure his life is going to be turned upside down, but this was his choice, not mine. I was happy living my life as his wife and planning for our future.

Were things perfect in our relationship? No, but who's marriage is perfect? If he was that unhappy why didn't he speak up sooner? Better yet, why did he go through with the marriage? I would much rather have been hurt and out some cash if he cancelled the wedding. I would have been spared the humiliation and pain that he has caused me by having an affair. I love my family and friends, but having to have weekly check ins called to me is embarrassing. I'm not suicidal for crying out loud, I'm just mourning the loss of my marriage.

Living in the fog

Some say that the person having an affair is living in a fog. When the fog clears they realize everything they have done and all the aftermath. So, then why am I the one living in the fog? Why do I keep having these thoughts of how we could work this out? How he'll come back to me and realize what a huge mistake he made. How he'll admit he has a problem and seek help. How he'll move back in and our life will go on and be better than it was before. Is this normal?

I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?

This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.

I can't stop staring at the train wreck

So, today I went back in to the glowfoto account to see if she would respond to my e-mail since he is now gone, but no such luck. Instead she posts a message on his site saying she loves him for not what he is but for what she is when she's with him. BARF!!!! What she is when she's with him is an adulterer. Then she posted new pictures from their weekend together and changed her status to satisfied and slightly sore and her mood to sweaty. Could she be anymore of a whore??? I'm sure she knows that I am looking and is doing all this to get to me. Unfortunately it's working. Why do I keep going in there and looking? Why can't I just let it be and move on with my life?

I heard back from the lawyer, he's filing the paperwork today and the divorce will be final in 3-4 weeks. This should make me happy, instead it makes me very sad. I thought I married someone who I trusted and loved and could spend the rest of my life with. Instead I married a man who I never even truly knew.

One of my friends called me yesterday and invited me for a BBQ Memorial Day weekend. I told her I'd think about it. She said ok, but let me know as soon as possible. I asked her why and she said because there's this guy she wants to introduce me to. Are you kidding me???? That's the last thing I need. I can't even look at another man without wondering what kind of lies are spewing from his mouth. Also, if I am going to make a first impression, I'd rather it be when I'm ready to meet someone else. Not when I loath the idea of having another man touch me. People can tell when you are faking happiness.