I'm better off

Ok, so yes, I am still obsessed with looking at their webpages, but I do realize that they are both sick. Their latest website, mobog, she posts pictures of herself scantily clad and all these men post comments. Do they get off on that kind of shit? I would never flaunt myself all over the Internet like that. Pictures like the ones she posted are meant to be seen only by the person you love. Why would you need other people to validate who you are? Isn't that what the person you are with is supposed to do? Or better yet, why aren't you secure enough in yourself that you don't need validation from someone else.

A friend of mine today told me I am better off without him. I agree. He is not healthy for my personal development or my emotional well being. I am a beautiful person who deserves to be appreciated for who I am. I have a lot of love to give and he does not deserve to receive it. Someone who can take my hopes and dreams and crush them without even a second thought is a sick individual. It's going to take a lot of time for me to heal and move on, but in the long run I will look back on this experience and know that I was the one who was lucky to get out of an unhealthy relationship. Someday he will get what he deserves. Maybe someday he will even realize what he lost, but by then I will be in a better place.

I spent last week visiting with my sister and my new nephew, Brayden. He is so darn cute. I know I'm biased and all, but he is the best baby ever. He's so smart. If you give him his duck he starts quacking. He will cluck his tongue to repeat you if you do it. He would stroke my face and give me kisses. Too cute!!!! I didn't want to leave. It was so nice to get a break from reality. I definately needed it.

Chris signed the paperwork while I was gone. Two to three weeks and I'll be divorced. I'm hoping that is what I need to help me move on.

Angry

I got very angry yesterday and let all my feelings and thoughts be known to Chris. I told him I was sick of being nice and that I was sick of pretending that I'm ok that what he did to me is ok. I'm not ok. There are days when I go to sleep and wish that I would never wake up. I'm going to start taking antidepressants this week. I asked him when he stopped loving me. He told me since we got back from the honeymoon and started working on the house and started IVF he felt like we were more roommates than a married couple. So, for two months he was unhappy and never spoke up until after he had already had an affair. I told him if he put as much effort into our marriage as he did in to all the cutesie comments and pictures he posts on her myspace page that we might not be where we are at today. He said he was happier now that our marriage is over. Well, I'm glad he's happy. I'm miserable.

I cannot cope with the thought that I could spend over three years with a person and not even know them. I can't understand how someone can tell you they love you so deeply and then they walk away without even a second thought. How can someone be that sick? How can someone lie to you repeatedly and never have remorse? I know that he is a sick individual and that I am better off without him, but that knowledge still does not make me feel any better.

I am leaving for Florida tonight. As much as I am looking forward to seeing Brayden and my sister I am equally dreading seeing and dealing with my parents. I know they mean well, but I am already at my emotional capacity. I cannot handle anymore stress and I know they are going to freak out when they see my new tattoo. I know they are going to lecture me about impulse decisions and my smoking again. You know what the tattoo was an impulse decision and although I regret the size of it, I don't regret getting it. It is beautiful and it makes me feel good when I see it or people comment on it. I do regret ever marrying Chris.

The weekend

Well, this weekend was pretty good. Friday night Bethany came over and we played Wii. Saturday we went boating during the day and then at night we went to see Bethany's friend's band play at a bar. That was fun. Today I sat and waited for Chris to drop off the jewelry paperwork. Of course he didn't come when he said he would. He said he'd come in the morning, but he didn't show until around 1:30pm. He didn't look so hot, but he probably intentionally came looking that way. He wants everyone to feel so sorry for him. Screw him. I looked cute. He saw my new tattoo. He said it looked cool. Good!

I asked if he wanted to see our wedding album before I try to take it apart. He did not want to look at it. I understand. I did not want to look at it either. I did though because I was trying to find some look on his face that said this was coming. I did not see anything but happiness and love. I just don't get it. How can you get married and six months later decide to have an affair?

I guess I'll never understand. He is starting counseling this week. He couldn't even look me in the eyes the whole time he was here. Coward! I don't know what I want from him, but some remorse would be nice. I'm sure the reason he doesn't look at me is from guilt. That's good that at least he feels guilty, but remorse would be better. Hopefully his counseling does him some good. He has not looked at the sex addict website that I sent him. I told him I truly believe he suffers from addiction, but then I also said maybe I'm just telling myself that because it's easier than believing he did this intentionally.

Bad Day

Today I am having a bad day. I guess after having almost a week of good, I was bound to run into a bad. I couldn't sleep again last night, popped a pill and woke up groggy. So, not a good start. Then I was just weepy all day long. Started when I talked to my mom on the way in to work. Of course I heard the all this is not your fault comments over and over again. How do you not in some way blame yourself? Yes, I know he chose this, but I was a part of our marriage too. There had to be something about me that caused him to seek out another relationship. Maybe I put too much pressure on him with trying to have a baby and getting ready to buy a house. Maybe I gained too much weight and he found me unattractive. Maybe I wasn't supportive enough. Maybe I was too nice. Maybe I was bad in bed. Maybe, maybe...

I knew he wasn't 100% on board with the IVF, but I still trudged forward. I figured he was just scared. It's a very scary process and there are no guarantees. I guess I just thought if it was more than just fear, he would speak up. Then again he knew kids was an absolute must for me and there was no compromise as far as that was concerned. Maybe he never really wanted a child of his own and was afraid to tell me. We had talked about kids pretty much from day one of our relationship, so I never thought it was an issue.

I'm just so angry. He gets to go off and live his fairytale life with his young, new, exciting girl and he's living rent free at a friend's house. I have to sit here, pay bills, pay a lawyer, tell people I'm getting divorced because my newlywed husband is a lying, cheating bastard. It's just so unfair. His family still has not confronted him. Yes, he knows they know, but they will not sit him down and try to talk some sense into him. Why do I end up being the garbage put out to the curb? What did I do to deserve this? How am I ever going to come to terms with this?

Divorce paperwork

So, I thought we were going to sign the divorce paperwork today. I arranged to meet with the lawyer today at 5:00. Turns out Chris has to work late. The sad thing is, I don't believe a word he says. I think he's just procrastinating. Who knows the reason behind why he would want to, but in the 3+ years we were together he probably worked late three times. How come on the one day that I need him to meet me at the lawyer's office he conveniently has to work late? Maybe he really does, maybe he doesn't. I just want the papers signed.

I keep telling myself that once the divorce is final I won't feel the need to check her website everyday. I made the mistake of looking at her myspace page and low and behold she had posted a ton of new pictures. Some from 4-wheeling this past weekend, some from a waterfall they went to and some from downtown Chicago. The fact that she stepped foot into the same city I live in makes me want to vomit. It's like she's already stolen my husband, does she need to steal the city I love? What more does she want from me? My first born child? Actually, I'd bet money that she'll get that request. I'm betting she will get pregnant by Chris. That will be the straw that will send me over the top. She will get something I so dearly wanted.

The foster puppy has been keeping me busy. He has been especially keeping my neighbor Bethany busy because she's been looking in on him when I'm not home and twice now she has had to rush him to Save-A-Pet because he keeps ripping off his bandage. I have yet to see what it looks like without the bandage on, but Bethany said it is really gross. She said there's no skin and it looks like he's missing a toe. With that being said I'm sure they will amputate it. So sad that someone could leave him like this. His surgeon appointment isn't until Monday. If he keeps ripping the bandage off Bethany is not going to keep helping me. I've got to figure out a way to keep him from doing that.

My new friend

I got the monthly update from Dana, the shelter director for Save-A-Pet yesterday. In it she begs for foster homes due to the economy there are more people than ever giving up their family pets and the kill shelters are full. Save-A-Pet is a no-kill shelter so they are constantly getting requests to take in more animals. We are also full, but do whatever we can to take in more animals and find ways to squeeze them in. One of the animals that she wrote about is an eight month old white boxer with a broken leg. My husband and I had a boxer that we rescued, but he took him when he left. I immediately felt this was meant to be. Chris and I had always wanted a white boxer, but with three dogs and a cat in a townhouse it would have been a tight fit, so we decided to wait until we had a house. Obviously that will never happen and I've been missing Diesel so much. Last night I went and picked him up and brought him home. He is so sweet. They have named him Sprite. I'm not sure if that fits him yet, but for now it's ok.

I would love to keep him, but financially, I don't think that's possible. We'll see. He'll probably be with me awhile until he has surgery and is healed, so that gives me some time to decide. He's just such a lover. He loves everyone. I tried putting him in the kennel for bed, but that only lasted about 10 minutes. I ended up having him sleep in the bed with me and it went really well. He slept all the way through until about 5am. I feel bad for my neighbors because I did kennel him today while I work and you could hear him howling outside. Hopefully he calms down and gets some sleep.

Sometimes it's amazing to think things do happen for a reason. My house felt so empty without Diesel and Chris. Sprite has been able to fill a little of that void and bring me some happiness that is much needed. It's amazing how dogs can bond so quickly and love so unconditionally. I could be 500 pounds and my dogs and cat for that matter would still love me. I don't have to be anyone other than myself when I am around them. I give them love and they give it back. There's no need for them to seek out another, I will always be #1.

Some days are better than others

All in all, I'd say my weekend was pretty good. I watched a movie with my neighbor on Friday night. Saturday I went boating with friends and then started watching a movie with my neighbor, but we stopped to go outside to smoke and our other neighbor, who is also getting divorced was leaving and stopped to chat. He said he was going to get something to eat and some drinks at a bar down the street, so we joined him. He's friends with Chris, they play softball together every Tuesday. Apparently Chris has not been telling people the truth about what happened between us. That really pissed me off. He should have to wear a scarlet letter around, so everyone knows he is a lying bastard. Why should he get off so easy? I have to explain to many, many people that we are separated and getting divorced and then the reason. He should have to too. If he is so ashamed by what he did, then he shouldn't have done it in the first place. What did he think he was just going to be able to keep his affair a secret and go on living his life married to me? I wonder how long he would have fucked around behind my back before ending it with her or ending it with me. It makes me sick to think if he weren't acting so suspicious maybe I never would have suspected and found out.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. There was some type of wedding marathon on HGTV, which normally I love to watch. Yesterday I couldn't. Then I tried watching Hope Floats, but I was already crying and that movie always makes me cry, so I turned it off and went to bed. I keep wondering when this new reality for me is going to set it. I still have a hard time believing it's real. In my dreams we are always back together and everything is great. It really makes it hard to wake up to the truth.

I've decided to get back to my Save-A-Pet scrapbook and back to walking the dogs on the weekends. I think that will help me pass time and remain distracted. I got a few more boxes from the garage unpacked. I really need to get that finished so that I can focus on the other stuff around the house that needs to get done before my parents arrive. They will be pissed if they see how I've let the house go. I just can't get my butt motivated. I just want to sleep and do nothing.