So, I received the call today that I've been dreading. Our wedding album is ready to be picked up. What the heck am I going to do with that? I guess I'll just add it to the box of other items I'm not ready to deal with. The box is currently sitting in the garage, but I think I'm going to move it into the attic. I was planning on taking my wedding dress to a consignment shop, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that just yet. Maybe this weekend I will. I had always hoped some day to have a christening gown made from it.
It's amazing how many things in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Two months ago I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had just gotten back from a fantastic honeymoon, I was married to the man of my dreams and we were starting the process to have a baby and sell our townhouse to buy a house. Now I realize this was all just a dream, never a reality. I've entered into the realm of a nightmare that will never stop.
I always used to love living by myself. Now I find myself lonely all the time wishing someone would call or stop over to fill the void. Even though I take pills to help me sleep, lately I've been waking up a lot, sometimes from nightmares, sometimes because I think I hear someone in the house and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I've never been one to be scared in my own house, but lately I am. I miss having someone sleep beside me. He took our dog Diesel and he used to cuddle up next to me. My cat Picasso still does, but it's just not the same.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Holding on to something that's not there
Don't ask me why, but I keep on holding out hope that Chris will suddenly wake up one day and realize what he's lost. I don't know that it would ever work out for us, but it would still be nice to have him realize that I'm what he wants. I'm looking into finding a divorce recovery group to attend, preferably through a catholic church. Chris's mom is checking into their church. I know they have one, but since I'm not a member, I don't know if they will let me join. I think talking in a live group setting will help me. I'll keep going to individual counseling, but I think speaking with people going through or who have gone through the same thing will help me. The online group I joined is mainly people trying to reconcile their relationships and sometimes it pisses me off that I seem to be the only one who's husband has no desire to reconcile.
I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.
I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.
I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.
I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.
I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.
I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
When will this get easier?
I spent the Memorial Day weekend doing various things with my friends. All in all it was a good weekend. Unfortunately I was constantly wondering what he was doing and who he was with? I don't understand why he can move on and I cannot. I'm the one that was hurt, I should be the one saying fuck you and moving on with my life. I wish I could ruin his life the same way he has ruined mine.
I knew in my heart that he was with her this weekend and sure as shit she posted new pictures today. The happy family, her, her 4 year old daughter and Chris. It just makes me sick. Here's a man who ruined our dreams of having and family and runs into the arms of a girl with a child. Apparently it's ok to have a child, but not ok for him to have his own. What kind of sick person can do this? It's like a slap in the face over and over again.
I want to blame her for all this because it is much easier than blaming the man that I loved for 3+ years of my life. I know she is not to blame, he is, but she also knew he was married and no matter what lies a man told her, she had a choice to be with a married man. I have always said I would never want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to someone else? How come she has no problem ruining out marriage?
How dare he do this to me? How dare he lie to me over and over? Our entire marriage was a lie. He had no intention of honoring his vows. Now I have to live my life saying I'm divorced. Illinois does not have legal annulments. It's bullshit. I should be able to completely erase this from my records. If only it were that easy to erase from my mind.
I knew in my heart that he was with her this weekend and sure as shit she posted new pictures today. The happy family, her, her 4 year old daughter and Chris. It just makes me sick. Here's a man who ruined our dreams of having and family and runs into the arms of a girl with a child. Apparently it's ok to have a child, but not ok for him to have his own. What kind of sick person can do this? It's like a slap in the face over and over again.
I want to blame her for all this because it is much easier than blaming the man that I loved for 3+ years of my life. I know she is not to blame, he is, but she also knew he was married and no matter what lies a man told her, she had a choice to be with a married man. I have always said I would never want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to someone else? How come she has no problem ruining out marriage?
How dare he do this to me? How dare he lie to me over and over? Our entire marriage was a lie. He had no intention of honoring his vows. Now I have to live my life saying I'm divorced. Illinois does not have legal annulments. It's bullshit. I should be able to completely erase this from my records. If only it were that easy to erase from my mind.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Letting Go
I know I already posted today, but someone on Surviving Infidelity sent this to me and I wanted to make sure I saved it because these are things I need practice at.
"Letting Go''
To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
(From coping.org, James Messina & Constance Messina, authors)
"Letting Go''
To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
(From coping.org, James Messina & Constance Messina, authors)
It is definately over
Chris came over last night to pick up his mail. I thought this might give us a chance to sit down and talk about how this all came to be. I was so wrong. He wouldn't even sit and he just stood there cold as ice. I asked him for the the truth and I wanted to know how all this started. He didn't feel the need to delve into the details. I asked him when he started e-mailing all the random women and how he met them. He said they are people he has known for a long time. I don't believe that. If he knew them, then why was he asking for face pictures? He said he met Shayna on a 4-wheeling forum and they began talking. When things got bad with us two months ago he arranged to meet her. I think all this is lies. Who goes and meets someone once and then creates a whole myspace page dedicated to their relationship? I can't believe a single word that comes from his mouth. I asked if they were in love, I know he's told her he loves her. He just hung his head down and fidgeted around and then said he has strong feelings for her. I asked if he still loved me and he said that he was in love with me. Enough said, he loves her, he doesn't love me. He wouldn't answer if they've had sex, but the look on his face said yes they have. The whole situation disgusts me. He tried basically blaming me saying our sex life was lacking. Give me a break. He's just sick and twisted living in his own little fairytale life.
Today he sent me an e-mail basically accusing me of keeping some of his mail. I do not have anymore of his mail and I will not be letting him pick up anymore of his mail from my house. Whatever comes in I will put in his storage unit. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore unless it's regarding the divorce paperwork. Instead of responding to him I called his mom and told her to tell him I do not have anymore of his mail and that I'll be dropping it off once a week in the storage unit. I also found out he lied to me yet again. He told me that he told his mom he was talking to another woman. She denied that.
I'm so disgusted with myself that I never saw his true colors. Was anything he ever told me true or was our entire relationship a lie? Does he even know how to tell the truth? Questions I'll never know the answers to. Someday I'll move on and stop asking.
I received the divorce paperwork today. It seems surreal to have our entire relationship summed up in black and white dividing everything we have. What about the emotions we had? Can we divide that up too? Can he take over all the hurt and pain I am feeling?
Today he sent me an e-mail basically accusing me of keeping some of his mail. I do not have anymore of his mail and I will not be letting him pick up anymore of his mail from my house. Whatever comes in I will put in his storage unit. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore unless it's regarding the divorce paperwork. Instead of responding to him I called his mom and told her to tell him I do not have anymore of his mail and that I'll be dropping it off once a week in the storage unit. I also found out he lied to me yet again. He told me that he told his mom he was talking to another woman. She denied that.
I'm so disgusted with myself that I never saw his true colors. Was anything he ever told me true or was our entire relationship a lie? Does he even know how to tell the truth? Questions I'll never know the answers to. Someday I'll move on and stop asking.
I received the divorce paperwork today. It seems surreal to have our entire relationship summed up in black and white dividing everything we have. What about the emotions we had? Can we divide that up too? Can he take over all the hurt and pain I am feeling?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
He expects my sympathy?
Yesterday I went to counseling. I am beginning to see there were many things I did wrong in our relationship. Not that anything I did caused him to have an affair, but I was an enabler to his immaturity. I always paid all the bills, I always did all the planning from the wedding to our vacations, I made sure things got done around the house, etc. I could go on and on with all the responsibilities I took on. Yes, he made dinner every night, but that was about it. I guess I just got so used to doing everything for myself that I never asked him to take over. I was just always worried that if I left something to him to do, it would never get done.
He called this morning upset that I was filing through a lawyer. He still doesn't want to have to pay half of the lawyer's fees. I gave him the opportunity to go get the paperwork last week, he didn't do it, so I filed with the lawyer. I guess he's having some financial problems with his phone and bank. I told him he should have thought about all the ramifications before he decided to go out and have an affair. It not only affects you emotionally, but also financially. I also told him I am filing under adultery and that I am asking him to pay half of some credit card debt and the remaining medical bills. He's upset because he will have no where to live soon and he's having financial difficulties. I can't believe the nerve. After everything he's done to me he expects me to feel sorry for him? While he's been off gallivanting with his young new love, I've been sitting at home trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been trying to make plans for a future that is not what I expected it to be. I'm sure his life is going to be turned upside down, but this was his choice, not mine. I was happy living my life as his wife and planning for our future.
Were things perfect in our relationship? No, but who's marriage is perfect? If he was that unhappy why didn't he speak up sooner? Better yet, why did he go through with the marriage? I would much rather have been hurt and out some cash if he cancelled the wedding. I would have been spared the humiliation and pain that he has caused me by having an affair. I love my family and friends, but having to have weekly check ins called to me is embarrassing. I'm not suicidal for crying out loud, I'm just mourning the loss of my marriage.
He called this morning upset that I was filing through a lawyer. He still doesn't want to have to pay half of the lawyer's fees. I gave him the opportunity to go get the paperwork last week, he didn't do it, so I filed with the lawyer. I guess he's having some financial problems with his phone and bank. I told him he should have thought about all the ramifications before he decided to go out and have an affair. It not only affects you emotionally, but also financially. I also told him I am filing under adultery and that I am asking him to pay half of some credit card debt and the remaining medical bills. He's upset because he will have no where to live soon and he's having financial difficulties. I can't believe the nerve. After everything he's done to me he expects me to feel sorry for him? While he's been off gallivanting with his young new love, I've been sitting at home trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been trying to make plans for a future that is not what I expected it to be. I'm sure his life is going to be turned upside down, but this was his choice, not mine. I was happy living my life as his wife and planning for our future.
Were things perfect in our relationship? No, but who's marriage is perfect? If he was that unhappy why didn't he speak up sooner? Better yet, why did he go through with the marriage? I would much rather have been hurt and out some cash if he cancelled the wedding. I would have been spared the humiliation and pain that he has caused me by having an affair. I love my family and friends, but having to have weekly check ins called to me is embarrassing. I'm not suicidal for crying out loud, I'm just mourning the loss of my marriage.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Living in the fog
Some say that the person having an affair is living in a fog. When the fog clears they realize everything they have done and all the aftermath. So, then why am I the one living in the fog? Why do I keep having these thoughts of how we could work this out? How he'll come back to me and realize what a huge mistake he made. How he'll admit he has a problem and seek help. How he'll move back in and our life will go on and be better than it was before. Is this normal?
I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?
This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.
I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?
This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.
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