The first week after discovery

On October 20, 2007, I married the love of my life. I was so happy on that day and everyone who attended the wedding said it was perfect and they could see we were so in love. At the end of February we had a belated honeymoon to Whistler, Canada. It was a perfect week. Even though the weather did not cooperate, we still enjoyed spending the time together. There was nothing I would have changed.

We knew going into our marriage that we wanted to have children. Since I have stage IV endometriosis, we knew that was going to be a difficult process. In January I had my third surgery and lost my left fallopian tube along with my appendix. We decided that IVF was going to be our best option to have a child. We started that process in March. On Friday, April 22th I started the daily injections of stimulant drugs. I had already been giving daily Lupron injections for 2 weeks. Any woman who goes through this process will attest to the fact that it's not easy. During this time we also started getting my townhouse ready to sell. So, there was a lot of stress going on here.

That weekend that I started the stims my husband took a weekend trip to go 4-wheeling. I went with my mother-in-law to go scrap booking. On Saturday I had not heard from my husband, so I called him. He said he was getting ready to head out and would call me later. He never called. I sent him a text to make sure everything was all right. Sunday he called to say he would be home late because someone lost their keys and he had to drive them there and back. He got home at 9pm gave me peck and went upstairs, showered and went to bed. He didn't even say goodnight. This was odd.

Monday I went for my first follow up to see how the drugs were working. They weren't working as well as they would like, so they increased my dose. I was upset, so I called my husband. He was so detached. It was like he didn't care what I was going through with all this. I thought about that all day and sent him an e-mail asking if everything was all right and expressed my feelings of feeling so alone in this process. He said he understood why I was feeling that way, but he didn't want to discuss it via e-mail. So, I asked if we could talk when he got home. He agreed. That night he delivered the earth shattering news that he was feeling unsure of the whole IVF process. He didn't think we were going to rush into it. He thought we'd try naturally and if it happened, it happened, if not, oh well. I was shocked. We'd gone for our first IVF consult prior to the wedding. We went for our second IVF consult after the honeymoon and then we started the process. Where was I not clear that I wanted a child no matter what, whether it was through IVF or through adoption??? I'd never said anything different. Needless to say this was very upsetting for me. We agreed to continue the injections that night, but the next day I called to look into freezing my eggs. The cost was $5000 and it's considered experimental. I stayed home from work that day. I cried A LOT. That night I told him what I'd found out. Now he was saying he was being selfish because he didn't want to give up our lifestyle. We'd always talked about traveling and it would be harder with a baby. He also didn't want me to gain weight during pregnancy and never get my body back. (I had gained 20 pounds since we first started dating) On top of all this he now adds that he doesn't think our marriage is where it should be to bring a baby into the picture. I knew we were under a lot of stress, but I never imagined our marriage was at stake. So, again we decided to continue the injections that night, but I was going to call the next day to see about freezing the embryos (fertilized eggs). They said no problem we do that all the time, it's not very costly and then you guys can work on things for awhile and do it down the road and not have to go through the whole injection process again. Wednesday night he went to his parents for dinner because they wanted to talk to him about why he was feeling this way. He came home and he said, oh, I thought you'd be in bed. Um, hello, no because I either have to do the injection or not. He raised his voice and said do we have to talk about this again??? I said yes, we have to make a decision either way. I also explained that if he cancelled the cycle he was going to have to leave for a couple days and give me my space to figure things out. We already had marriage counseling scheduled for Saturday. He said he didn't think he could go through with it and I wasn't going to put myself through the process only to have my eggs flushed down the toilet. So we stopped. The next two days he stayed at a friend's house.

Saturday was our marriage counseling session. What a waste of time! Chris said about 15 words the entire time we were there. The only thing that came out of it was we agreed to work on our marriage for 45 days. That night we argued more and I went up to bed. We agreed to go on a date the next day. I woke up in the middle of the night and the tv and lights were still on downstairs. I thought he had fell asleep downstairs. When I woke up the next day the tv and lights were still on, but his Jeep was gone. I thought he had gone to the gym. 10:30am he was still not home, so I called him. He didn't answer, I left a message. He called me back to say he was on his way to the gym. I said where have you been for the last 2.5 hours. He was like, what, I just woke up, I stayed at Steve's house. I was pissed. We agreed to work on our marriage and he leaves!!!! He said it didn't seem like I wanted him there. He's my husband who I love, yes I was mad, but I still wanted him there even if he was downstairs. When he got home I was still in my pajamas and in bed. I told him I didn't want to go to lunch. He left at 3pm for softball practice. When he came home we had dinner and watched a movie. It was ok, but he was very detached.

The week went by and it was very tense. He left almost every night at around 9pm to run some sort of errand. By Wednesday I was starting to get suspicious. His phone vibrated during dinner. I thought to myself, why does he have his ringer turned off? After dinner he went upstairs and was up there for awhile. I went up to see what he was doing and he must have heard me because he was in the bathroom and then turned the water on. I started looking for his phone. It was not to be found. That night he took a shower, again I looked for his phone and couldn't find it. Thursday night he said at 9pm he was going to get gas. He goes past 5 gas stations on his way home from the gym!!! That was it. I got up that night at 3:30am and looked for his phone. I couldn't find it. Friday night I decided to go spend some time with my best friend. I was so stressed. On my way to her house I was talking to another friend. I had already been trying to think of ways to get into his phone records and one of the ways I thought was through his e-mail, but I didn't know the password. While we were on the phone she was trying different things. At one point I said, just to give you an idea of the type of passwords he picks, he put winterpark as our password for our home e-mail. She tried it while I was on the phone and opened up the gates of my own personal hell.

She said, oh Heather, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to read you this stuff? I said, yes! First there was a file called pictures that contained a lot of porn pictures. Ok, I could live with that. Then she went into his sent file. He had been communicating sexually with a lot of different women. Sending pictures back and forth of themselves naked. He had even sent pictures of himself performing sexual acts on the pictures he had received and printed. I was so hurt. He had sent a sexually explicit e-mail detailing what he would do with this women if he had a weekend with her 9 days after our wedding. This had been going on since long before we got married until the present. He was even speaking on the phone with one of these women. I thought it couldn't get worse. Then she finds he has a myspace page. What we found would change my life forever. The weekend he went 4-wheeling he drove to Ohio on Sunday to be with a 21 year old waitress who has a 4 year old daughter. He is 33 years old!!!! The whole myspace page was dedicated to their relationship. He had that he lived in Wisconsin. We live in Illinois. There were messages going back and forth between them with little cutsie messages and counting down the days until they would be together again. It turns out his supposed business trip the following weekend was to go see her. That moment destroyed the past 3+ years of my life.

He said his previous marriage was ended by his wife having an affair. Now he was doing the exact same thing to me. I never was unfaithful. I couldn't even imagine ever being with another man. I loved my husband and would never intentionally hurt him. What a joke of a life I have been living! He never loved me. He loved himself and was only concerned with his own happiness. The rest of the evening was a blur. Thank God for the friends I have. They convinced me to stay there that night and deal with him the next day. He was on to us though because we had tried to break into his phone records and it sent him a text. He kept calling me over and over again, but I would not answer. I sent him a text telling him I was staying the night because my friend's daughter was sick.

The next morning we showed up at my house, my best friend's husband, my other friend and her husband and my neighbor. I called when I was almost there and asked him to meet me outside. He came out, I walked up to him and I told him it was over. I knew everything and I mean everything. I know about Shayna and all the other women. We are here to move my stuff out of storage and then we'll be back to move your stuff in. He said ok but can I talk to you for a minute in private. I said I would ask everyone to move away and he can talk to me outside. He then asked me about some stuff of his that was missing. I said sure, I took them. He said what am I asking about and I said your guns. He said where are they and I said not here, I'll give them to your parents. He said I just want you to know I would never hurt you that way. I looked at him and said I obviously don't know you at all so how do I know what you are capable of. Then I walked away and we went to the storage unit. When we got back he had started packing, so we cleaned out the garage and made room for my stuff. Then we started loading his. He again asked me if we could talk and I said sure. He apologized over and over again and said he should have told me and I said yes, you should have you could have spared me from seeing everything I had to see. He said he didn't regret marrying me, that was the happiest day of his life and our honeymoon brought us closer together. I said and that's why 9 days after our wedding you e-mailed a woman asking her for explicit pictures and right after our honeymoon you went right back to e-mailing all these women. He then told me he wished I would just hit him. I wished I could have, but I couldn't. Don't ask me why. Now I'd like to. We continued to move him out. He kept asking if we had to do everything today. I said yes we do. We have the help and the cars here, so we're doing it all today. This continued throughout the day. He kept asking to speak with me and just kept saying the same thing, he's so sorry, he doesn't know why he did it. Blah, blah, blah

After we were done moving all his stuff into storage we decided to get some lunch. We went to Home Depot first to get new locks and then we decided just to go back and get pizza. We saw him driving away as we went back to my house. He had to come back to get his/our dog. He didn't have room in his Jeep. When he got back and we were all there, his entire demeanor had changed. He was pissed. He stormed in and packed up the dogs stuff and started to storm out. I pointed out that he was forgetting Diesel's favorite toy. He stomped over and picked up a bunch of toys and stormed out. Let the dog poop in the yard and drove away. He didn't even let me say goodbye to our dog.

The first week in the aftermath has been the hardest time of my life. Monday I stayed home from work and just cried all day. Tuesday I went to work, but didn't get anything done because all I did was cry. I had a counselor appointment scheduled for that night. I talked with him and he thought it might be beneficial for me to keep our marriage counseling session for the following week. I called Chris that night and asked him if he would go with me. He said yes, but he would call to change it because he has softball that night. Give me a break, after all this, his priorities still center around himself. Wednesday I called to see if he had called to change the appointment. He said yes, but the counselor hadn't called him back yet. He then said that he called the courthouse and they do have the paperwork to file for divorce without a lawyer. He didn't want to pay for the lawyer I had contacted. I told him fine to go get them and drop them off. I then asked him, so this is what you want? He said, you made it perfectly clear what you wanted when you moved me out and told me you had already contacted a lawyer. I said, I was pissed and in rage, which I had every right to be. But I made vows that I always intended to honor. He said that he thought it would be too hard to try to work it out because I would never trust him. I said yes, you would have to earn my trust back. You would have to give me all your passwords and access to your phone and credit card records. He said, oh, so I can live in a prison. I said if you really wanted to try to make this work, you'd be willing to do whatever it takes. Then I asked if he was still going to see her this weekend. He said yes, I need to figure out what I want. Give me a break!!! He doesn't have a choice anymore, once he chose to go see her after he was caught, he made it pretty clear what he wants. Thursday he did not drop off the paperwork, so I gave the lawyer all the information on Friday. Friday I also called the marriage counselor to see if he had changed the appointment, he had not even called, so I canceled the appointment. Friday morning he flew out to see the tramp. He claims she knows about me, but thinks we are separated. Well, you wish is my command, we are now!!!

Thursday night I found the new space they were communicating on, Glowfoto.com. He was using the name Caleb007, Caleb was the name he had picked for our first born son. Guess he really liked that name. She sent him an e-mail on 5/13 saying, I just want ONE man to prove to me not all men are the same. I sent her an e-mail that night that was titled, all men are the same. The content was, your beloved man is my husband. We were not separated until last Saturday when I found out about you and all the other women. I also created my own Glowfoto site with pictures from our rehearsal dinner, wedding day and honeymoon. I also created a blog detailing how my husband of 7 months while trying to have a baby was having an affair with a 21 year old woman from another state. I tried to add some other pictures of him called my pathological lying husband, a liar and a cheat, etc, but my pictures wouldn't post. Can you tell I was enraged? Oh well, if she was smart she had enough to see the truth. His flight arrived Friday morning, but she did not log in before he arrived. She did log in Saturday morning, but she didn't respond, so who knows if she believed me. Oh well, I tried to warn her, he's her problem now.

I went out Friday night with my friends, tried to assume some semblance of normalcy. It was difficult, but I think it was good for me. Saturday morning I drove up to my in-laws house to bring up his guns and pick up some other things I had there, including my wedding album proof book. We haven't even received our wedding album yet. I tried calling to cancel it, but it was 3/4 of the way done, so they are going to call me when it's finished. Great!!!! I can't wait.

So, I sit here today trying to get my feelings out, trying not to think of them spending time together, cuddling, kissing, etc. It's very hard not to have a constant silent movie playing in my head. I've gone through every range of emotion. I love him one minute and want to stab his eyes out the next. He has done the worst thing to me possible. First he ripped away my future by cancelling the IVF, then he ripped out my heart by having affairs. I've done research and truly believe he is a sex addict and maybe also has a narcissistic personality disorder. I know he will not get himself help. I tried telling his mom he needs help. She agreed and claims that he said he would go, but I know that will never happen. He'll live his life as if nothing has changed, well except for the fact that he is homeless and most of his friends have turned their back on him. His family is crushed and he doesn't have a wife to come home to. His family will get over this in time. I will go on living my life trying to pretend like I'm ok, but I know that I will be changed forever. I didn't date from the time I was 21 until 30 because I had been hurt so bad by my first boyfriend. I opened my heart to him. I thought I had found my life partner, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, the future father of my children. In actuality I had found a person incapable of true love, a sexual deviant, a pathological liar living a double life. How will I ever be able to trust another man?

He had it good while with me, I never suspected a thing until he started acting strange. Yes, I am happy I listened to my gut. Everyone keeps telling me, be glad you found out when you did. Ok, I know that is supposed to make me feel better, but right now that does not help me. I keep wondering how after only 7 months of marriage could he seek out another woman. Was I such a horrible wife that I couldn't even keep him satisfied for that short of time? Was I so lacking that he needed to go get his needs fulfilled somewhere else? Was I too old? Too fat? Too anything???? I know in my heart that I had nothing to do with this, that he suffers from some type of illness, but my head still keeps thinking through every minute of the last 3 years together, trying to come up with everything I did wrong or everything I could have done different.

I know that I will make it through this, right now it seems impossible, but some day I will come out a better, stronger person because of this. Right now I'm going to focus on me and try to love myself for who I am, a valuable person, who honors the sanction of marriage. A loyal person, a friend that everyone was there for in her time of need because she is always there for everyone else. I have been told by many that I did not deserve this. You're right I did not and he did not deserve me.