Holding on to something that's not there

Don't ask me why, but I keep on holding out hope that Chris will suddenly wake up one day and realize what he's lost. I don't know that it would ever work out for us, but it would still be nice to have him realize that I'm what he wants. I'm looking into finding a divorce recovery group to attend, preferably through a catholic church. Chris's mom is checking into their church. I know they have one, but since I'm not a member, I don't know if they will let me join. I think talking in a live group setting will help me. I'll keep going to individual counseling, but I think speaking with people going through or who have gone through the same thing will help me. The online group I joined is mainly people trying to reconcile their relationships and sometimes it pisses me off that I seem to be the only one who's husband has no desire to reconcile.

I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.

I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.

I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.