Well, I made it! This weekend has not been easy. Every time I try to relax I imagine everything they are doing together and all the things he used to do for me that he is now doing for her. It makes me nauseous. How can someone promise to love, honor and cherish one person forever and six months later be with another woman? Sending her the same messages that he used to send to me? I wish I could have one conversation with this girl and tell her all the smooth moves he will use on her. I know he's using the same MO with her that he used with me when we first started dating by the messages he's been sending to her. He likes to send images with messages attached, like thinking of you and then there's a picture of a stone sculpture with abstract people sitting there leaning on their hand as if they are thinking. He just sent me that one for Valentine's Day and two weeks ago he sent it to her. He's probably sent her the same love poems he sent to me and he'll probably tell her he loves her in the same way he told me. Two weeks into our relationship I was lying on the couch at his apartment. It was Valentine's Day. He started rubbing my back and then he started writing words on it. He wrote out I love you. That was the first time he told me he loved me. It was so early in the relationship, maybe that should have been my first clue into his alternate personality.
I know I shouldn't be sitting here obsessing about what they may or may not be doing. It's unhealthy, but I just can't help myself. I want him to be sitting at home as miserable as me. I went out with my friends last night to see a band that I like. I tried pretending like I was having fun and everything was ok. I think they saw through that because we didn't stay very long. I also ran into a mutual friend of Chris and I. I told her we were getting divorced. She looked at me and said, but you just got married. I said, I know and then told her he was having an affair with a 21 year old and was with her as we spoke. She looked at me with those sad eyes that everyone has been giving me lately. Every time she walked by she patted me on the back or gave me a hug. I know everyone means well, but I already feel pathetic enough. I don't need that look that says poor you.
Tomorrow I'll go back to work and although everyone has been very supportive, they keep coming up to me asking how I'm doing. The man that I've loved and lived with for the last 3+ years was not the man I thought he was. How do you think I am doing? I take drugs to help me sleep every night because when I lay my head down my eyes don't stop moving and my brain won't stop thinking of everything that's happened in the last few weeks. Every where I look in my house I'm reminded of him. After everything he's done to me I still love him and wish that he would come up with some type of answer that would make this all ok. Or better yet, I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare.
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