Living in the fog

Some say that the person having an affair is living in a fog. When the fog clears they realize everything they have done and all the aftermath. So, then why am I the one living in the fog? Why do I keep having these thoughts of how we could work this out? How he'll come back to me and realize what a huge mistake he made. How he'll admit he has a problem and seek help. How he'll move back in and our life will go on and be better than it was before. Is this normal?

I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?

This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.