Angry

I got very angry yesterday and let all my feelings and thoughts be known to Chris. I told him I was sick of being nice and that I was sick of pretending that I'm ok that what he did to me is ok. I'm not ok. There are days when I go to sleep and wish that I would never wake up. I'm going to start taking antidepressants this week. I asked him when he stopped loving me. He told me since we got back from the honeymoon and started working on the house and started IVF he felt like we were more roommates than a married couple. So, for two months he was unhappy and never spoke up until after he had already had an affair. I told him if he put as much effort into our marriage as he did in to all the cutesie comments and pictures he posts on her myspace page that we might not be where we are at today. He said he was happier now that our marriage is over. Well, I'm glad he's happy. I'm miserable.

I cannot cope with the thought that I could spend over three years with a person and not even know them. I can't understand how someone can tell you they love you so deeply and then they walk away without even a second thought. How can someone be that sick? How can someone lie to you repeatedly and never have remorse? I know that he is a sick individual and that I am better off without him, but that knowledge still does not make me feel any better.

I am leaving for Florida tonight. As much as I am looking forward to seeing Brayden and my sister I am equally dreading seeing and dealing with my parents. I know they mean well, but I am already at my emotional capacity. I cannot handle anymore stress and I know they are going to freak out when they see my new tattoo. I know they are going to lecture me about impulse decisions and my smoking again. You know what the tattoo was an impulse decision and although I regret the size of it, I don't regret getting it. It is beautiful and it makes me feel good when I see it or people comment on it. I do regret ever marrying Chris.