The wedding album

So, I received the call today that I've been dreading. Our wedding album is ready to be picked up. What the heck am I going to do with that? I guess I'll just add it to the box of other items I'm not ready to deal with. The box is currently sitting in the garage, but I think I'm going to move it into the attic. I was planning on taking my wedding dress to a consignment shop, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that just yet. Maybe this weekend I will. I had always hoped some day to have a christening gown made from it.

It's amazing how many things in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Two months ago I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had just gotten back from a fantastic honeymoon, I was married to the man of my dreams and we were starting the process to have a baby and sell our townhouse to buy a house. Now I realize this was all just a dream, never a reality. I've entered into the realm of a nightmare that will never stop.

I always used to love living by myself. Now I find myself lonely all the time wishing someone would call or stop over to fill the void. Even though I take pills to help me sleep, lately I've been waking up a lot, sometimes from nightmares, sometimes because I think I hear someone in the house and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. I've never been one to be scared in my own house, but lately I am. I miss having someone sleep beside me. He took our dog Diesel and he used to cuddle up next to me. My cat Picasso still does, but it's just not the same.

Holding on to something that's not there

Don't ask me why, but I keep on holding out hope that Chris will suddenly wake up one day and realize what he's lost. I don't know that it would ever work out for us, but it would still be nice to have him realize that I'm what he wants. I'm looking into finding a divorce recovery group to attend, preferably through a catholic church. Chris's mom is checking into their church. I know they have one, but since I'm not a member, I don't know if they will let me join. I think talking in a live group setting will help me. I'll keep going to individual counseling, but I think speaking with people going through or who have gone through the same thing will help me. The online group I joined is mainly people trying to reconcile their relationships and sometimes it pisses me off that I seem to be the only one who's husband has no desire to reconcile.

I'm going through a bout of anger this week. I'm so pissed that he could do this to me and have no remorse. I gave him the divorce paperwork yesterday and all he did was argue about the money he would have to pay when the divorce is final. Give me a break! That's all you're concerned about? How about all the people's lives you have affected? This does not just affect us, it affects our parents, our family and our friends. My parents have lost all hope that you can ever truly know someone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel sorry for the next man that I meet that is interested in me. I can't even fathom that day ever coming, but hopefully it will someday and hopefully I won't be so jaded that I push him away. Well, unless he is a big loser like every other guy I've dated and now married.

I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character. Apparently I was wrong. I used to say that Chris loved me more than I loved him. That's not to say that I didn't love him because I did, I think more than I realized. I was just always comfortable in the fact that he seemed to love me so much. I always thought that he would be faithful and we'd be able to work through anything life threw our way together. Now I realize I was so very wrong. We both have horrible verbal communication skills. As you can see, I can write my feelings, I just have a hard time speaking them and apparently showing them. He says he did not feel loved by me. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. They say that a sex addict deals with stress by delving deeper into their addiction. I believe that's what happened with Chris. Once we were married and started talking about babies and buying a house, his addiction picked up steam. Rather than talking about his fears and anxiety, he dug himself deeper and deeper until he was so far gone there was no turning back. I have recommended a website to him to find a counselor who specifically deals with sex addicts. I hope he thinks about it and decides to go. I think it would do him a world of good, if not for us, then for the next relationship he enters into.

I know someday I will be ok. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying not to look at her website. It's difficult, but hopefully it will get easier day by day. I went bowling with some coworkers last night and even though I really didn't feel like going, I had a good time. It's nice not to just sit at home and think. I'm hoping to bring myself to go to the gym tonight. We'll see if I make it there.

When will this get easier?

I spent the Memorial Day weekend doing various things with my friends. All in all it was a good weekend. Unfortunately I was constantly wondering what he was doing and who he was with? I don't understand why he can move on and I cannot. I'm the one that was hurt, I should be the one saying fuck you and moving on with my life. I wish I could ruin his life the same way he has ruined mine.

I knew in my heart that he was with her this weekend and sure as shit she posted new pictures today. The happy family, her, her 4 year old daughter and Chris. It just makes me sick. Here's a man who ruined our dreams of having and family and runs into the arms of a girl with a child. Apparently it's ok to have a child, but not ok for him to have his own. What kind of sick person can do this? It's like a slap in the face over and over again.

I want to blame her for all this because it is much easier than blaming the man that I loved for 3+ years of my life. I know she is not to blame, he is, but she also knew he was married and no matter what lies a man told her, she had a choice to be with a married man. I have always said I would never want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to someone else? How come she has no problem ruining out marriage?

How dare he do this to me? How dare he lie to me over and over? Our entire marriage was a lie. He had no intention of honoring his vows. Now I have to live my life saying I'm divorced. Illinois does not have legal annulments. It's bullshit. I should be able to completely erase this from my records. If only it were that easy to erase from my mind.

Letting Go

I know I already posted today, but someone on Surviving Infidelity sent this to me and I wanted to make sure I saved it because these are things I need practice at.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
(From coping.org, James Messina & Constance Messina, authors)

It is definately over

Chris came over last night to pick up his mail. I thought this might give us a chance to sit down and talk about how this all came to be. I was so wrong. He wouldn't even sit and he just stood there cold as ice. I asked him for the the truth and I wanted to know how all this started. He didn't feel the need to delve into the details. I asked him when he started e-mailing all the random women and how he met them. He said they are people he has known for a long time. I don't believe that. If he knew them, then why was he asking for face pictures? He said he met Shayna on a 4-wheeling forum and they began talking. When things got bad with us two months ago he arranged to meet her. I think all this is lies. Who goes and meets someone once and then creates a whole myspace page dedicated to their relationship? I can't believe a single word that comes from his mouth. I asked if they were in love, I know he's told her he loves her. He just hung his head down and fidgeted around and then said he has strong feelings for her. I asked if he still loved me and he said that he was in love with me. Enough said, he loves her, he doesn't love me. He wouldn't answer if they've had sex, but the look on his face said yes they have. The whole situation disgusts me. He tried basically blaming me saying our sex life was lacking. Give me a break. He's just sick and twisted living in his own little fairytale life.

Today he sent me an e-mail basically accusing me of keeping some of his mail. I do not have anymore of his mail and I will not be letting him pick up anymore of his mail from my house. Whatever comes in I will put in his storage unit. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore unless it's regarding the divorce paperwork. Instead of responding to him I called his mom and told her to tell him I do not have anymore of his mail and that I'll be dropping it off once a week in the storage unit. I also found out he lied to me yet again. He told me that he told his mom he was talking to another woman. She denied that.

I'm so disgusted with myself that I never saw his true colors. Was anything he ever told me true or was our entire relationship a lie? Does he even know how to tell the truth? Questions I'll never know the answers to. Someday I'll move on and stop asking.

I received the divorce paperwork today. It seems surreal to have our entire relationship summed up in black and white dividing everything we have. What about the emotions we had? Can we divide that up too? Can he take over all the hurt and pain I am feeling?

He expects my sympathy?

Yesterday I went to counseling. I am beginning to see there were many things I did wrong in our relationship. Not that anything I did caused him to have an affair, but I was an enabler to his immaturity. I always paid all the bills, I always did all the planning from the wedding to our vacations, I made sure things got done around the house, etc. I could go on and on with all the responsibilities I took on. Yes, he made dinner every night, but that was about it. I guess I just got so used to doing everything for myself that I never asked him to take over. I was just always worried that if I left something to him to do, it would never get done.

He called this morning upset that I was filing through a lawyer. He still doesn't want to have to pay half of the lawyer's fees. I gave him the opportunity to go get the paperwork last week, he didn't do it, so I filed with the lawyer. I guess he's having some financial problems with his phone and bank. I told him he should have thought about all the ramifications before he decided to go out and have an affair. It not only affects you emotionally, but also financially. I also told him I am filing under adultery and that I am asking him to pay half of some credit card debt and the remaining medical bills. He's upset because he will have no where to live soon and he's having financial difficulties. I can't believe the nerve. After everything he's done to me he expects me to feel sorry for him? While he's been off gallivanting with his young new love, I've been sitting at home trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been trying to make plans for a future that is not what I expected it to be. I'm sure his life is going to be turned upside down, but this was his choice, not mine. I was happy living my life as his wife and planning for our future.

Were things perfect in our relationship? No, but who's marriage is perfect? If he was that unhappy why didn't he speak up sooner? Better yet, why did he go through with the marriage? I would much rather have been hurt and out some cash if he cancelled the wedding. I would have been spared the humiliation and pain that he has caused me by having an affair. I love my family and friends, but having to have weekly check ins called to me is embarrassing. I'm not suicidal for crying out loud, I'm just mourning the loss of my marriage.

Living in the fog

Some say that the person having an affair is living in a fog. When the fog clears they realize everything they have done and all the aftermath. So, then why am I the one living in the fog? Why do I keep having these thoughts of how we could work this out? How he'll come back to me and realize what a huge mistake he made. How he'll admit he has a problem and seek help. How he'll move back in and our life will go on and be better than it was before. Is this normal?

I know that I am not perfect and that there were things that I did or didn't do that made our marriage weak, but I did not force him to have an affair. I did not make that choice for him. He did. So, why am I the one left picking up the pieces? Why am I the one left with all the responsibilities? I have a mortgage to pay, I have credit card bills to pay, I have utility bills to pay. He is left to worry only about himself. I can barely function everyday at work. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because my mind is not on my work, but replaying every day of our life together. Were there signs that I didn't see? Was I just blinded by love and he's been this way from day one?

This morning I had a really hard time waking up because when my alarm went off I was in the middle of a dream where he had come back to me and we were together. Everything was so perfect. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the dream. That is not reality and I can't keep living my life in the fairytale. The reality is that he ruined our dream. Now I have to pick up the pieces, take time to heal and move on.

I can't stop staring at the train wreck

So, today I went back in to the glowfoto account to see if she would respond to my e-mail since he is now gone, but no such luck. Instead she posts a message on his site saying she loves him for not what he is but for what she is when she's with him. BARF!!!! What she is when she's with him is an adulterer. Then she posted new pictures from their weekend together and changed her status to satisfied and slightly sore and her mood to sweaty. Could she be anymore of a whore??? I'm sure she knows that I am looking and is doing all this to get to me. Unfortunately it's working. Why do I keep going in there and looking? Why can't I just let it be and move on with my life?

I heard back from the lawyer, he's filing the paperwork today and the divorce will be final in 3-4 weeks. This should make me happy, instead it makes me very sad. I thought I married someone who I trusted and loved and could spend the rest of my life with. Instead I married a man who I never even truly knew.

One of my friends called me yesterday and invited me for a BBQ Memorial Day weekend. I told her I'd think about it. She said ok, but let me know as soon as possible. I asked her why and she said because there's this guy she wants to introduce me to. Are you kidding me???? That's the last thing I need. I can't even look at another man without wondering what kind of lies are spewing from his mouth. Also, if I am going to make a first impression, I'd rather it be when I'm ready to meet someone else. Not when I loath the idea of having another man touch me. People can tell when you are faking happiness.

Surviving the weekend knowing he's with the other woman

Well, I made it! This weekend has not been easy. Every time I try to relax I imagine everything they are doing together and all the things he used to do for me that he is now doing for her. It makes me nauseous. How can someone promise to love, honor and cherish one person forever and six months later be with another woman? Sending her the same messages that he used to send to me? I wish I could have one conversation with this girl and tell her all the smooth moves he will use on her. I know he's using the same MO with her that he used with me when we first started dating by the messages he's been sending to her. He likes to send images with messages attached, like thinking of you and then there's a picture of a stone sculpture with abstract people sitting there leaning on their hand as if they are thinking. He just sent me that one for Valentine's Day and two weeks ago he sent it to her. He's probably sent her the same love poems he sent to me and he'll probably tell her he loves her in the same way he told me. Two weeks into our relationship I was lying on the couch at his apartment. It was Valentine's Day. He started rubbing my back and then he started writing words on it. He wrote out I love you. That was the first time he told me he loved me. It was so early in the relationship, maybe that should have been my first clue into his alternate personality.

I know I shouldn't be sitting here obsessing about what they may or may not be doing. It's unhealthy, but I just can't help myself. I want him to be sitting at home as miserable as me. I went out with my friends last night to see a band that I like. I tried pretending like I was having fun and everything was ok. I think they saw through that because we didn't stay very long. I also ran into a mutual friend of Chris and I. I told her we were getting divorced. She looked at me and said, but you just got married. I said, I know and then told her he was having an affair with a 21 year old and was with her as we spoke. She looked at me with those sad eyes that everyone has been giving me lately. Every time she walked by she patted me on the back or gave me a hug. I know everyone means well, but I already feel pathetic enough. I don't need that look that says poor you.

Tomorrow I'll go back to work and although everyone has been very supportive, they keep coming up to me asking how I'm doing. The man that I've loved and lived with for the last 3+ years was not the man I thought he was. How do you think I am doing? I take drugs to help me sleep every night because when I lay my head down my eyes don't stop moving and my brain won't stop thinking of everything that's happened in the last few weeks. Every where I look in my house I'm reminded of him. After everything he's done to me I still love him and wish that he would come up with some type of answer that would make this all ok. Or better yet, I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The first week after discovery

On October 20, 2007, I married the love of my life. I was so happy on that day and everyone who attended the wedding said it was perfect and they could see we were so in love. At the end of February we had a belated honeymoon to Whistler, Canada. It was a perfect week. Even though the weather did not cooperate, we still enjoyed spending the time together. There was nothing I would have changed.

We knew going into our marriage that we wanted to have children. Since I have stage IV endometriosis, we knew that was going to be a difficult process. In January I had my third surgery and lost my left fallopian tube along with my appendix. We decided that IVF was going to be our best option to have a child. We started that process in March. On Friday, April 22th I started the daily injections of stimulant drugs. I had already been giving daily Lupron injections for 2 weeks. Any woman who goes through this process will attest to the fact that it's not easy. During this time we also started getting my townhouse ready to sell. So, there was a lot of stress going on here.

That weekend that I started the stims my husband took a weekend trip to go 4-wheeling. I went with my mother-in-law to go scrap booking. On Saturday I had not heard from my husband, so I called him. He said he was getting ready to head out and would call me later. He never called. I sent him a text to make sure everything was all right. Sunday he called to say he would be home late because someone lost their keys and he had to drive them there and back. He got home at 9pm gave me peck and went upstairs, showered and went to bed. He didn't even say goodnight. This was odd.

Monday I went for my first follow up to see how the drugs were working. They weren't working as well as they would like, so they increased my dose. I was upset, so I called my husband. He was so detached. It was like he didn't care what I was going through with all this. I thought about that all day and sent him an e-mail asking if everything was all right and expressed my feelings of feeling so alone in this process. He said he understood why I was feeling that way, but he didn't want to discuss it via e-mail. So, I asked if we could talk when he got home. He agreed. That night he delivered the earth shattering news that he was feeling unsure of the whole IVF process. He didn't think we were going to rush into it. He thought we'd try naturally and if it happened, it happened, if not, oh well. I was shocked. We'd gone for our first IVF consult prior to the wedding. We went for our second IVF consult after the honeymoon and then we started the process. Where was I not clear that I wanted a child no matter what, whether it was through IVF or through adoption??? I'd never said anything different. Needless to say this was very upsetting for me. We agreed to continue the injections that night, but the next day I called to look into freezing my eggs. The cost was $5000 and it's considered experimental. I stayed home from work that day. I cried A LOT. That night I told him what I'd found out. Now he was saying he was being selfish because he didn't want to give up our lifestyle. We'd always talked about traveling and it would be harder with a baby. He also didn't want me to gain weight during pregnancy and never get my body back. (I had gained 20 pounds since we first started dating) On top of all this he now adds that he doesn't think our marriage is where it should be to bring a baby into the picture. I knew we were under a lot of stress, but I never imagined our marriage was at stake. So, again we decided to continue the injections that night, but I was going to call the next day to see about freezing the embryos (fertilized eggs). They said no problem we do that all the time, it's not very costly and then you guys can work on things for awhile and do it down the road and not have to go through the whole injection process again. Wednesday night he went to his parents for dinner because they wanted to talk to him about why he was feeling this way. He came home and he said, oh, I thought you'd be in bed. Um, hello, no because I either have to do the injection or not. He raised his voice and said do we have to talk about this again??? I said yes, we have to make a decision either way. I also explained that if he cancelled the cycle he was going to have to leave for a couple days and give me my space to figure things out. We already had marriage counseling scheduled for Saturday. He said he didn't think he could go through with it and I wasn't going to put myself through the process only to have my eggs flushed down the toilet. So we stopped. The next two days he stayed at a friend's house.

Saturday was our marriage counseling session. What a waste of time! Chris said about 15 words the entire time we were there. The only thing that came out of it was we agreed to work on our marriage for 45 days. That night we argued more and I went up to bed. We agreed to go on a date the next day. I woke up in the middle of the night and the tv and lights were still on downstairs. I thought he had fell asleep downstairs. When I woke up the next day the tv and lights were still on, but his Jeep was gone. I thought he had gone to the gym. 10:30am he was still not home, so I called him. He didn't answer, I left a message. He called me back to say he was on his way to the gym. I said where have you been for the last 2.5 hours. He was like, what, I just woke up, I stayed at Steve's house. I was pissed. We agreed to work on our marriage and he leaves!!!! He said it didn't seem like I wanted him there. He's my husband who I love, yes I was mad, but I still wanted him there even if he was downstairs. When he got home I was still in my pajamas and in bed. I told him I didn't want to go to lunch. He left at 3pm for softball practice. When he came home we had dinner and watched a movie. It was ok, but he was very detached.

The week went by and it was very tense. He left almost every night at around 9pm to run some sort of errand. By Wednesday I was starting to get suspicious. His phone vibrated during dinner. I thought to myself, why does he have his ringer turned off? After dinner he went upstairs and was up there for awhile. I went up to see what he was doing and he must have heard me because he was in the bathroom and then turned the water on. I started looking for his phone. It was not to be found. That night he took a shower, again I looked for his phone and couldn't find it. Thursday night he said at 9pm he was going to get gas. He goes past 5 gas stations on his way home from the gym!!! That was it. I got up that night at 3:30am and looked for his phone. I couldn't find it. Friday night I decided to go spend some time with my best friend. I was so stressed. On my way to her house I was talking to another friend. I had already been trying to think of ways to get into his phone records and one of the ways I thought was through his e-mail, but I didn't know the password. While we were on the phone she was trying different things. At one point I said, just to give you an idea of the type of passwords he picks, he put winterpark as our password for our home e-mail. She tried it while I was on the phone and opened up the gates of my own personal hell.

She said, oh Heather, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to read you this stuff? I said, yes! First there was a file called pictures that contained a lot of porn pictures. Ok, I could live with that. Then she went into his sent file. He had been communicating sexually with a lot of different women. Sending pictures back and forth of themselves naked. He had even sent pictures of himself performing sexual acts on the pictures he had received and printed. I was so hurt. He had sent a sexually explicit e-mail detailing what he would do with this women if he had a weekend with her 9 days after our wedding. This had been going on since long before we got married until the present. He was even speaking on the phone with one of these women. I thought it couldn't get worse. Then she finds he has a myspace page. What we found would change my life forever. The weekend he went 4-wheeling he drove to Ohio on Sunday to be with a 21 year old waitress who has a 4 year old daughter. He is 33 years old!!!! The whole myspace page was dedicated to their relationship. He had that he lived in Wisconsin. We live in Illinois. There were messages going back and forth between them with little cutsie messages and counting down the days until they would be together again. It turns out his supposed business trip the following weekend was to go see her. That moment destroyed the past 3+ years of my life.

He said his previous marriage was ended by his wife having an affair. Now he was doing the exact same thing to me. I never was unfaithful. I couldn't even imagine ever being with another man. I loved my husband and would never intentionally hurt him. What a joke of a life I have been living! He never loved me. He loved himself and was only concerned with his own happiness. The rest of the evening was a blur. Thank God for the friends I have. They convinced me to stay there that night and deal with him the next day. He was on to us though because we had tried to break into his phone records and it sent him a text. He kept calling me over and over again, but I would not answer. I sent him a text telling him I was staying the night because my friend's daughter was sick.

The next morning we showed up at my house, my best friend's husband, my other friend and her husband and my neighbor. I called when I was almost there and asked him to meet me outside. He came out, I walked up to him and I told him it was over. I knew everything and I mean everything. I know about Shayna and all the other women. We are here to move my stuff out of storage and then we'll be back to move your stuff in. He said ok but can I talk to you for a minute in private. I said I would ask everyone to move away and he can talk to me outside. He then asked me about some stuff of his that was missing. I said sure, I took them. He said what am I asking about and I said your guns. He said where are they and I said not here, I'll give them to your parents. He said I just want you to know I would never hurt you that way. I looked at him and said I obviously don't know you at all so how do I know what you are capable of. Then I walked away and we went to the storage unit. When we got back he had started packing, so we cleaned out the garage and made room for my stuff. Then we started loading his. He again asked me if we could talk and I said sure. He apologized over and over again and said he should have told me and I said yes, you should have you could have spared me from seeing everything I had to see. He said he didn't regret marrying me, that was the happiest day of his life and our honeymoon brought us closer together. I said and that's why 9 days after our wedding you e-mailed a woman asking her for explicit pictures and right after our honeymoon you went right back to e-mailing all these women. He then told me he wished I would just hit him. I wished I could have, but I couldn't. Don't ask me why. Now I'd like to. We continued to move him out. He kept asking if we had to do everything today. I said yes we do. We have the help and the cars here, so we're doing it all today. This continued throughout the day. He kept asking to speak with me and just kept saying the same thing, he's so sorry, he doesn't know why he did it. Blah, blah, blah

After we were done moving all his stuff into storage we decided to get some lunch. We went to Home Depot first to get new locks and then we decided just to go back and get pizza. We saw him driving away as we went back to my house. He had to come back to get his/our dog. He didn't have room in his Jeep. When he got back and we were all there, his entire demeanor had changed. He was pissed. He stormed in and packed up the dogs stuff and started to storm out. I pointed out that he was forgetting Diesel's favorite toy. He stomped over and picked up a bunch of toys and stormed out. Let the dog poop in the yard and drove away. He didn't even let me say goodbye to our dog.

The first week in the aftermath has been the hardest time of my life. Monday I stayed home from work and just cried all day. Tuesday I went to work, but didn't get anything done because all I did was cry. I had a counselor appointment scheduled for that night. I talked with him and he thought it might be beneficial for me to keep our marriage counseling session for the following week. I called Chris that night and asked him if he would go with me. He said yes, but he would call to change it because he has softball that night. Give me a break, after all this, his priorities still center around himself. Wednesday I called to see if he had called to change the appointment. He said yes, but the counselor hadn't called him back yet. He then said that he called the courthouse and they do have the paperwork to file for divorce without a lawyer. He didn't want to pay for the lawyer I had contacted. I told him fine to go get them and drop them off. I then asked him, so this is what you want? He said, you made it perfectly clear what you wanted when you moved me out and told me you had already contacted a lawyer. I said, I was pissed and in rage, which I had every right to be. But I made vows that I always intended to honor. He said that he thought it would be too hard to try to work it out because I would never trust him. I said yes, you would have to earn my trust back. You would have to give me all your passwords and access to your phone and credit card records. He said, oh, so I can live in a prison. I said if you really wanted to try to make this work, you'd be willing to do whatever it takes. Then I asked if he was still going to see her this weekend. He said yes, I need to figure out what I want. Give me a break!!! He doesn't have a choice anymore, once he chose to go see her after he was caught, he made it pretty clear what he wants. Thursday he did not drop off the paperwork, so I gave the lawyer all the information on Friday. Friday I also called the marriage counselor to see if he had changed the appointment, he had not even called, so I canceled the appointment. Friday morning he flew out to see the tramp. He claims she knows about me, but thinks we are separated. Well, you wish is my command, we are now!!!

Thursday night I found the new space they were communicating on, Glowfoto.com. He was using the name Caleb007, Caleb was the name he had picked for our first born son. Guess he really liked that name. She sent him an e-mail on 5/13 saying, I just want ONE man to prove to me not all men are the same. I sent her an e-mail that night that was titled, all men are the same. The content was, your beloved man is my husband. We were not separated until last Saturday when I found out about you and all the other women. I also created my own Glowfoto site with pictures from our rehearsal dinner, wedding day and honeymoon. I also created a blog detailing how my husband of 7 months while trying to have a baby was having an affair with a 21 year old woman from another state. I tried to add some other pictures of him called my pathological lying husband, a liar and a cheat, etc, but my pictures wouldn't post. Can you tell I was enraged? Oh well, if she was smart she had enough to see the truth. His flight arrived Friday morning, but she did not log in before he arrived. She did log in Saturday morning, but she didn't respond, so who knows if she believed me. Oh well, I tried to warn her, he's her problem now.

I went out Friday night with my friends, tried to assume some semblance of normalcy. It was difficult, but I think it was good for me. Saturday morning I drove up to my in-laws house to bring up his guns and pick up some other things I had there, including my wedding album proof book. We haven't even received our wedding album yet. I tried calling to cancel it, but it was 3/4 of the way done, so they are going to call me when it's finished. Great!!!! I can't wait.

So, I sit here today trying to get my feelings out, trying not to think of them spending time together, cuddling, kissing, etc. It's very hard not to have a constant silent movie playing in my head. I've gone through every range of emotion. I love him one minute and want to stab his eyes out the next. He has done the worst thing to me possible. First he ripped away my future by cancelling the IVF, then he ripped out my heart by having affairs. I've done research and truly believe he is a sex addict and maybe also has a narcissistic personality disorder. I know he will not get himself help. I tried telling his mom he needs help. She agreed and claims that he said he would go, but I know that will never happen. He'll live his life as if nothing has changed, well except for the fact that he is homeless and most of his friends have turned their back on him. His family is crushed and he doesn't have a wife to come home to. His family will get over this in time. I will go on living my life trying to pretend like I'm ok, but I know that I will be changed forever. I didn't date from the time I was 21 until 30 because I had been hurt so bad by my first boyfriend. I opened my heart to him. I thought I had found my life partner, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, the future father of my children. In actuality I had found a person incapable of true love, a sexual deviant, a pathological liar living a double life. How will I ever be able to trust another man?

He had it good while with me, I never suspected a thing until he started acting strange. Yes, I am happy I listened to my gut. Everyone keeps telling me, be glad you found out when you did. Ok, I know that is supposed to make me feel better, but right now that does not help me. I keep wondering how after only 7 months of marriage could he seek out another woman. Was I such a horrible wife that I couldn't even keep him satisfied for that short of time? Was I so lacking that he needed to go get his needs fulfilled somewhere else? Was I too old? Too fat? Too anything???? I know in my heart that I had nothing to do with this, that he suffers from some type of illness, but my head still keeps thinking through every minute of the last 3 years together, trying to come up with everything I did wrong or everything I could have done different.

I know that I will make it through this, right now it seems impossible, but some day I will come out a better, stronger person because of this. Right now I'm going to focus on me and try to love myself for who I am, a valuable person, who honors the sanction of marriage. A loyal person, a friend that everyone was there for in her time of need because she is always there for everyone else. I have been told by many that I did not deserve this. You're right I did not and he did not deserve me.